Ooooooookay. So. If you had asked me at any point in my life, even when I was pregnant with Miss Jellybean, if I would ever, EVER want to be a stay-at-home mom, I not only would have said "no," I would have explained my answer at length. That answer would have included a detailed description about how nothing in my personality lends itself to that pursuit and how doing so would drive me mad and made me a worse mom in the process.
We had anticipated that Eleanor could possibly handle some daycare by September, provided that her numbers stayed up on the daily bone marrow stimulant injections. (They are up and down right now, which is a topic - puts head down on the keyboard - for another post.) I therefore started looking for freelance writing work in July, thinking that it would take at least two months to get a gig, given how impossible it was to find this kind of work when I was pregnant with E. However, I apparently look much more attractive as a candidate now that I'm not pregnant (SHOCKING, I know. Reason number 6,389 why I get frustrated when people insist that there is 'no need' for feminism anymore) because I have already secured two clients. Which is great. And I'm NOT complaining. REALLY. But...
I had thought that it would take me so long to find work that I would have the month of August to research coping strategies for going back to work when "ALL you want to do is be with your baby round-the-clock DAMMIT." I thought I would have time to prepare. But now, I am spending every moment she is napping and most of the time we both should be sleeping staring at a screen and typing frantically. I am having a hard time getting everything done in the time allotted because she is not in daycare yet. And I am DREADING September, because even though I need the time to work, virtually the last thing I want on Earth is to be away from my girl. (And I am simultaneously terrified that her numbers won't stabilize because if I can't work more than a few hours a day, we are super-duper Screwed with a capital "S.")
And although I am NOT complaining... I really am grateful... I am struggling with the fact that the only companies interested in my resume so far are those who produce the same kind of work I have been doing for nearly a decade. I want to write books and educational content for kids and pieces that help women and those struggling for civil rights. I want to explore politics and culture and lifestyle choices that genuinely impact people's lives. If I have to be away from my kids (grrrr...) I want to be doing something that means something. And although there is certainly value in writing pieces explaining how to seek necessary support when an individual finds him or herself facing a legal quandary, I have done that for a decade. TEN YEARS of my life. And I honestly don't understand why companies aren't responding to my resume except to write identical kinds of content. When you write every single day for a decade, I assure you that you have the skills necessary to write other kinds of content. It is NOT a good sign that I just started working again a month ago and I am already frustrated and bored. Especially because we NEED the money and I want to be able to be nothing but grateful for being able to provide for my family.
Wanting to be a stay-at-home mom, having to work and only getting hired to do mind-numbing tasks is, quite frankly, for the birds. I am confident that I will find some kind of balance and will hopefully be able to persuade interesting companies and organizations that I would be an asset to their teams. Until then, I will walk this work-life tightrope NOT complaining. But...
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