(This piece was recently published in the book "Learning for a Lifetime: Liberal Arts and the Life of the Mind at Lawrence University")
Two months after graduation, I found myself very far from Lawrence. A fellow Lawrentian had driven across the country with me to help me move into my new San Francisco apartment. The tenth story one-bedroom was a quarter of the size of my Blue Box apartment located next to Alexander Gymnasium back in Appleton and cost exactly six times as much to rent.
“Hey Kass, you gotta come see this!” my friend Scott yelled with his head sticking out of one of my two grimy windows. “People are dealing drugs right on the sidewalk!” I vaguely remember telling him to pull his head inside the window before he got shot. I am pretty sure that I just stood motionless and fought back tears.
In pursuit of “Light, More Light!” I enrolled in a top-tier law school immediately after my senior year at Lawrence. I had been too poor to visit the California-run school prior to matriculation, so I simply packed up my things and drove directly there two days before orientation. When I dropped Scott off at the airport to head back to Wisconsin, I cried all the way to the San Francisco Whole Foods on California Street. A kind drag queen who was working my checkout lane told me that things would look better in the morning but if they did not, I should just scream at the top of my lungs and keep moving.
Early in my senior year at Lawrence, I had been faced with the choice of entering a writing program or enrolling in law school. All of my favorite professors had hinted one way or another that I should view either vehicle as a means to achieve what I truly wanted to do. But I had a four-year-old daughter to care for and at the age of 22, I felt the only rational option I had was to pursue the seemingly stable, financially sound and prestigious foundation of a top-tier legal education. That option would enable me to do anything I wanted, I reasoned.
After all, I had transformed my Lawrence experience into something I could not have conceived of in my first weeks at LU. Why should law school be any different? I convinced myself that law school would make me a superior writer and would foster the skill set I needed to advocate for international human rights. Just like I did at Lawrence, I resolved to make my legal education my own.
Many of my fellow first-year 1Ls seemed to have arrived at similar conclusions. Assigned to groups of 80 and paired with sets of professors, each 1L section socialized a great deal in the first few days after orientation. Many of my Section Four classmates professed a desire to improve their communities, the nation and the world through their future legal careers. Given the similar ambitions of nearly everyone I had met at Lawrence, I started to feel at home visiting with my new colleagues.
And yet, something began to strike me just after our first session of Civil Procedure was gaveled in. As only one of a handful of 1Ls to receive a liberal arts education, I had become a foreigner in a strange land where I did not speak the language. The vast majority of my classmates had attended very large public or private institutions without a liberal arts focus. They came from UCLA, USC, Stanford and Berkeley. And when our professors informed us about the strict grading curve, the school’s ranking system and the fact that the members of our section would be in constant competition, my classmates were not fazed. They had done this before.
The forced grading curve was at the forefront of Section Four’s approach to studying and class participation. If a maximum of 20 percent of us could receive As and a minimum of 20 percent of us would receive Cs or below, every second of professor interaction and studying time prior to final exams counted. Even if all of us did excellent work, only a certain number of us would be recognized for it. Suddenly, studying turned from a chance to learn about things I loved and to learn them well into a battle. I frequently found myself taking the drag queen’s advice and screaming into a pillow before moving on to the next case listed on any given syllabus.
At Lawrence, courses are rigorous and professors are challenging. In fact, LU is known for its fast pace and high expectations. Yet, there is always a sense that each individual can succeed provided that he or she does the work and is passionate about exploring what that work really means. Lawrentians are asked to study the intersection of breadth and depth in academic understanding and to make choices from a place of informed thoughts and passions. Because a liberal arts approach to education embraces the vast and multi-faceted nature of both knowledge and talent, I had never been made to feel that I was not capable of unique and valuable contributions to society while at Lawrence, provided that I worked hard and made my education truly mine for the taking.
Section Four represented real limits on academic success and recognition through grading. So, my fellow classmates threw themselves into patterns of behavior designed to make them visible at the top of 1L dog pile. Like the others, I also stopped eating and sleeping in favor of studying. But unlike my fellow female classmates, I favored attending lecture in pajama pants and t-shirts rather than full makeup and semi-professional attire. Not only was I too tired to get made-up for class, I refused to participate in one academic pastime that others so readily volunteered for: speaking out in class simply to wrack up participation points.
In this small act of rebellion, I aimed to hold onto one of the most precious lessons that being a Lawrentian had taught me: Speak and otherwise express yourself only when you have something informed and meaningful to say. Certainly, participation and communication are valuable tools of a liberal arts education. But because the focus of Lawrence learning is informed contribution, raising one’s hand merely to repeat what someone has already said is not only considered inadequate participation but also unacceptably rude and a waste of time.
My classmates were understandably reacting to the curve they were confined to. But I grew so weary of hearing many of my classmates “participate” in empty ways only to wrack up tallies on the participation sheet that I laughed out loud one morning in class when my friend Brad slipped me a piece of paper entitled “Gunner Bingo”. The sheet contained a five-by-five grid complete with the names of some of Section Four’s most notorious “participators.” I was instructed to check their names off as they provided empty participation comments until I achieved a bingo. Among those names listed in individual squares were those of beloved friends and all were persons whom I respected. But if we couldn’t laugh at this frustrating element of the rat race we had consented to, then what was the point?
I came to realize in my second year of law school that I had completely missed the point of my liberal arts education when I engaged in all typical 1L approaches save for the empty participation element. I had become so swept up in the foreign nature of forced grading curves, constant academic competition and the way that everyone else was approaching their legal education that I had failed to make mine my own, to study for the love of knowledge and to create an academic foundation that was inspired as well as broadly informed.
In my second and third years, most of my classmates exclusively took classes aimed at helping them pass the bar exam and win at trial. I created independent studies and signed up for courses that intrigued me even when they did not directly seem to fit with my long-term goals. My classmates continued to study singularly. I studied ballet at a prestigious academy and in addition to legal jobs, I surrounded myself with non-legal texts by working part-time at Barnes and Noble. And occasionally, when my precious and practically-perfect Energizer Bunny of a daughter was still, I slept.
It was only when I remembered the things that made me love Lawrence and the liberal arts approach that I came to love law school. And this lesson prevented me from burning out when my classmates did shortly after we earned the title of Juris Doctor. Many, many of my “gunner” classmates are successful, respected lawyers and wonderful people. But it was only when I applied the approaches that I learned at LU that I became a happy, focused and purposeful addition to their ranks.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
By The Numbers: January 20 – January 26
Books I finished this week:
- “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown – This is my favorite of Brown’s books. I believe that I directly benefitted from reading her other two books before tackling this one, as she uses the first two books to explain her foundational concepts fully. However, this book blew me away at points, especially when she draws an analogy between destructive forces within organizations (families, businesses, etc.) and societal PTSD. Her discussions on vulnerability not only explore the “why” of this practice but also the “how” in ways that I feel might be very beneficial to a host of people, myself included.
- “The Sisters Grimm: Fairytale Detectives” by Michael Buckley – I picked up this book (The first in a series of nine) at Samantha’s request. She absolutely adores these books. While I didn’t get into this book like I did her last request (The Percy Jackson series) I will absolutely stick with them. I look forward to seeing whether Buckley finds his groove a little better in Book Two.
A sample of what I am watching this week:
- “The Mindy Project” – I really enjoy this show most of the time. It is funny and engaging and the show’s humor is more grounded than “30 Rock” and similar fare that everyone else seems to find hilarious but seems a little unreal and forced to me. However, I became an even bigger fan while watching an episode a few weeks back entitled, “Danny Castellano Is My Personal Trainer.” After reading Mindy Kaling’s book “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” this episode struck me not only as the most genuinely funny of the series so far, it seemed like a truly organic expression of Kaling’s sense of humor. I’m looking forward to watching this show evolve.
- “Top Chef” – This has been quite the disappointing season overall. I’ve only kept up with it because I’ve watched every other season since Season Three. However, the game is finally getting pretty interesting and the last few challenges have not put me to sleep. I am rooting for Shirley or the winner of "Last Chance Kitchen", but I will be very content if anyone but Nicholas wins.
Monday 1/20 – Rest day… Monday rest days are such a nice temporary change to look forward to.
Tuesday 1/21
Step Count: 4,234 (Not counting the 1 hour of Aqua Zumba… the new yoga class I tried left me wiped enough that I didn’t pool run as planned, but I did do two solid hours of exercise today, which is not nothing for me at this point!)
Training: 1 hour of Aqua Zumba and 1 hour “Yoga Basics” class. This is the first non-restorative yoga class I’ve taken in a few months. I was nervous about it because it is much more intense than restorative yoga. I made it through the class though, and my hip joints will hopefully thank me for that tomorrow!
Something interesting I (want to learn) today: I need technical help… the few times I’ve tried to take a quiz on “Buzzfeed” I input all my answers but there is no “submit” or “calculate” button I can see. The procrastinator in me wants to know how to find out the results of these goofy quizzes. Can someone help a girl out?
Other News: I am not great at spending money even when it is necessary, simply because I’ve never had money to spare. However, my sheets were so old and worn that they actually ripped down the middle last week. As a result, I was compelled to buy new ones. I purchased a set of jersey sheets from Target for $30.00… nothing fancy. I do not know where these sheets have been all my life. They are so comfortable that they are now among my top five favorite possessions. I may just be tired all the time, but these sheets really are the greatest things ever.
Wednesday 1/22
Step Count: Not recorded today due to major hip inflammation
Training: Apparently I overdid it yesterday. My hips were not cooperating today, so I iced them on and off all day and we’ll try again tomorrow…
Something interesting I learned today: The cast of Full House is reuniting for a Super Bowl commercial. And yes, I am both excited and a little embarrassed that I am excited.
Other News: I have been referred to the U of M pain management clinic. I have to wait a full month for my initial appointment, but I am hopeful that working with a pain management specialist will help to improve my quality of life. Woot!
Thursday 1/23
Step Count: Not counted due to the pool run. Man, starting next week I will need to do a land count even if I work in the water, otherwise this stat is going to be irrelevant…
Training: 45 minute pool run, followed by 15 minutes of barre stretch in the pool. Take that, hip joints! (I mean, feel better hip joints… I promise I still love you even when you’re mad at me.)
Something interesting I learned today: Sarah Bareilles (whom I absolutely adore) is currently writing the music and lyrics for a Broadway musical based on the Kerri Russell movie “Waitress” (which I also adore). If I pass out from excitement, just wake me when the show is ready for production.
Other News: I finished Rebecca Sherman’s Christmas scarf last week and I still have yet to put it in the mail. Several weeks of furious knitting followed by a lovely lace scarf hanging out on my couch next to my stuffed monkey Paul Simon for nearly a week because I am too lazy to go to the Post Office. Ah, procrastination.
Friday 1/24
Step Count: 8,452
Training: 45 minute pool run, 30 minute yin yoga
Something interesting I learned today: CenturyLink is evil.
Other News: When I am missing Samantha like crazycakes, I tend to read books or watch shows that she likes so we can talk about them. Disney Channel programming is a love of Samantha’s, but the only show I can stomach (and actually kinda love) is one called “Good Luck Charlie.” Apparently, the series finale is airing in February. I am (oddly and surprisingly) very bummed about this turn of events. Samantha and I need a new show to gab about (Other than our usual “Gilmore Girls,” and “Good Luck Charlie.”) If anyone has suggestions, just let me know!
Saturday 1/25
(I took my last weekend before 18-week marathon training begins OFF, baby!)
Something interesting I learned today: Refridgerator oatmeal is actually pretty delicious, even when veganized… (http://www.theyummylife.com/Refrigerator_Oatmeal)
Other News: Mark and I went shopping today for a care package for Samantha. Much like I was in highschool in re: The PowerPuff Girls, Samantha is oddly but endearingly WAY into My Little Pony. In addition to some other stuff, we got her two MLP figurines in addition to My Little Pony valentines to give out to her friends. Who says I have to stop buying cute, girly things just because my daughter is 13-years-old?
Sunday 1/26
Something interesting I learned today: I’ll let you watch this “Daily Show” clip on Vietnam Vets and PTSD treatment to learn about this for yourselves. As the daughter of a Vietnam Vet with PTSD, I was absolutely floored by what is happening to vets facing the circumstances outlined in the clip: (http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-january-21-2014/ptsd---vietnam)
Other News: Mark gave Samantha a game called “ColorKu” for her birthday. It is this beautiful wooden board made to resemble a Sudoku board. Players essentially play games of Sudoku with colored marbles on the board. This game should come with a warning though… Mark has become obsessed and might never do anything else but play this game again.
- “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown – This is my favorite of Brown’s books. I believe that I directly benefitted from reading her other two books before tackling this one, as she uses the first two books to explain her foundational concepts fully. However, this book blew me away at points, especially when she draws an analogy between destructive forces within organizations (families, businesses, etc.) and societal PTSD. Her discussions on vulnerability not only explore the “why” of this practice but also the “how” in ways that I feel might be very beneficial to a host of people, myself included.
- “The Sisters Grimm: Fairytale Detectives” by Michael Buckley – I picked up this book (The first in a series of nine) at Samantha’s request. She absolutely adores these books. While I didn’t get into this book like I did her last request (The Percy Jackson series) I will absolutely stick with them. I look forward to seeing whether Buckley finds his groove a little better in Book Two.
A sample of what I am watching this week:
- “The Mindy Project” – I really enjoy this show most of the time. It is funny and engaging and the show’s humor is more grounded than “30 Rock” and similar fare that everyone else seems to find hilarious but seems a little unreal and forced to me. However, I became an even bigger fan while watching an episode a few weeks back entitled, “Danny Castellano Is My Personal Trainer.” After reading Mindy Kaling’s book “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” this episode struck me not only as the most genuinely funny of the series so far, it seemed like a truly organic expression of Kaling’s sense of humor. I’m looking forward to watching this show evolve.
- “Top Chef” – This has been quite the disappointing season overall. I’ve only kept up with it because I’ve watched every other season since Season Three. However, the game is finally getting pretty interesting and the last few challenges have not put me to sleep. I am rooting for Shirley or the winner of "Last Chance Kitchen", but I will be very content if anyone but Nicholas wins.
Monday 1/20 – Rest day… Monday rest days are such a nice temporary change to look forward to.
Tuesday 1/21
Step Count: 4,234 (Not counting the 1 hour of Aqua Zumba… the new yoga class I tried left me wiped enough that I didn’t pool run as planned, but I did do two solid hours of exercise today, which is not nothing for me at this point!)
Training: 1 hour of Aqua Zumba and 1 hour “Yoga Basics” class. This is the first non-restorative yoga class I’ve taken in a few months. I was nervous about it because it is much more intense than restorative yoga. I made it through the class though, and my hip joints will hopefully thank me for that tomorrow!
Something interesting I (want to learn) today: I need technical help… the few times I’ve tried to take a quiz on “Buzzfeed” I input all my answers but there is no “submit” or “calculate” button I can see. The procrastinator in me wants to know how to find out the results of these goofy quizzes. Can someone help a girl out?
Other News: I am not great at spending money even when it is necessary, simply because I’ve never had money to spare. However, my sheets were so old and worn that they actually ripped down the middle last week. As a result, I was compelled to buy new ones. I purchased a set of jersey sheets from Target for $30.00… nothing fancy. I do not know where these sheets have been all my life. They are so comfortable that they are now among my top five favorite possessions. I may just be tired all the time, but these sheets really are the greatest things ever.
Wednesday 1/22
Step Count: Not recorded today due to major hip inflammation
Training: Apparently I overdid it yesterday. My hips were not cooperating today, so I iced them on and off all day and we’ll try again tomorrow…
Something interesting I learned today: The cast of Full House is reuniting for a Super Bowl commercial. And yes, I am both excited and a little embarrassed that I am excited.
Other News: I have been referred to the U of M pain management clinic. I have to wait a full month for my initial appointment, but I am hopeful that working with a pain management specialist will help to improve my quality of life. Woot!
Thursday 1/23
Step Count: Not counted due to the pool run. Man, starting next week I will need to do a land count even if I work in the water, otherwise this stat is going to be irrelevant…
Training: 45 minute pool run, followed by 15 minutes of barre stretch in the pool. Take that, hip joints! (I mean, feel better hip joints… I promise I still love you even when you’re mad at me.)
Something interesting I learned today: Sarah Bareilles (whom I absolutely adore) is currently writing the music and lyrics for a Broadway musical based on the Kerri Russell movie “Waitress” (which I also adore). If I pass out from excitement, just wake me when the show is ready for production.
Other News: I finished Rebecca Sherman’s Christmas scarf last week and I still have yet to put it in the mail. Several weeks of furious knitting followed by a lovely lace scarf hanging out on my couch next to my stuffed monkey Paul Simon for nearly a week because I am too lazy to go to the Post Office. Ah, procrastination.
Friday 1/24
Step Count: 8,452
Training: 45 minute pool run, 30 minute yin yoga
Something interesting I learned today: CenturyLink is evil.
Other News: When I am missing Samantha like crazycakes, I tend to read books or watch shows that she likes so we can talk about them. Disney Channel programming is a love of Samantha’s, but the only show I can stomach (and actually kinda love) is one called “Good Luck Charlie.” Apparently, the series finale is airing in February. I am (oddly and surprisingly) very bummed about this turn of events. Samantha and I need a new show to gab about (Other than our usual “Gilmore Girls,” and “Good Luck Charlie.”) If anyone has suggestions, just let me know!
Saturday 1/25
(I took my last weekend before 18-week marathon training begins OFF, baby!)
Something interesting I learned today: Refridgerator oatmeal is actually pretty delicious, even when veganized… (http://www.theyummylife.com/Refrigerator_Oatmeal)
Other News: Mark and I went shopping today for a care package for Samantha. Much like I was in highschool in re: The PowerPuff Girls, Samantha is oddly but endearingly WAY into My Little Pony. In addition to some other stuff, we got her two MLP figurines in addition to My Little Pony valentines to give out to her friends. Who says I have to stop buying cute, girly things just because my daughter is 13-years-old?
Sunday 1/26
Something interesting I learned today: I’ll let you watch this “Daily Show” clip on Vietnam Vets and PTSD treatment to learn about this for yourselves. As the daughter of a Vietnam Vet with PTSD, I was absolutely floored by what is happening to vets facing the circumstances outlined in the clip: (http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-january-21-2014/ptsd---vietnam)
Other News: Mark gave Samantha a game called “ColorKu” for her birthday. It is this beautiful wooden board made to resemble a Sudoku board. Players essentially play games of Sudoku with colored marbles on the board. This game should come with a warning though… Mark has become obsessed and might never do anything else but play this game again.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Guidepost #3 – Cultivating a Resilient Spirit
I have to admit, I was a little cocky going into this particular guidepost study. Though I admittedly struggle mightily with guideposts 1-2 and 7-10, 3-6 seem closer to concepts I am practicing consistently in my life as opposed to areas of my life that need more attention. However, it turns out that the ways in which Brene Brown approaches the subject of resilience in guidepost three give me plenty of food (and beverage) for thought.
Brown identifies (among other things) three significant patterns that are essential for the cultivation of a resilient spirit. These three patterns are: Cultivating hope, Practicing critical awareness, and Letting go of numbing/taking the edge off of vulnerability, discomfort and pain.
“Hmm…” I thought after reading this conclusion. At this time in my life, I can say with conviction that I am a very hopeful person and I strive to practice critical awareness in all that I do. However, I do struggle with the art of letting go of numbing behaviors and wanting to take the edge off of vulnerability, discomfort and pain occasionally. I never do anything unhealthy or risky to take the edge off of emotional discomfort, but I do occasionally indulge in too much television, etc. in order to stop feeling quite so strongly about something or other. Lately, I have noticed one fairly odd numbing behavior in particular has been affecting me.
Over the past three months or so, I have noticed that whenever I am really lonely, I start craving soy chai lattes from Starbucks like I’m dying of thirst in a desert. As soon as sincere loneliness kicks in, I can actually taste chai latte. Adrenaline tastes like metal and apparently loneliness tastes like soy chai lattes from Starbucks. Something primal occurs when most of us experience deep levels of vulnerability, pain and/or discomfort. Because of my life experience and because of the lupus, I tend to have pretty high tolerances for pain, vulnerability, emotional discomfort, sleeplessness, etc. But I really do struggle with wanting to lessen a bit of the pain I feel when I am truly lonely. And for me, the easiest way to numb that pain is to hop out the door and travel 3 blocks to the nearest Starbucks for a soy chai latte. It gives me comfort and it gives me a distraction.
Sometimes, I rationalize that I could have worse vices and that if this yummy, hot beverage makes me feel better then I should just indulge. However, the principle of this guidepost has stopped me lately from indulging at all. In order to sit with my feelings and ultimately learn greater acceptance, tolerance and resilience, I fail to indulge far more often than not. Deep loneliness is sometimes a struggle for me, when it rears its ugly head. And because my daughter lives so far away for so much of the year, my guess is that it will continue to be a struggle for me for some time. As a result, when faced with a choice of indulging in a delicious (numbing, distracting) chai latte or practicing resilience, I hope to choose the latter with relatively great consistency.
This guidepost reminds me that in any way that we wish to grow as individuals, be it large or small, it is usually a matter of how we choose to perceive the situation and how we choose to act upon those perceptions that determines whether we ultimately achieve growth or not. As someone who wishes to live wholeheartedly, authentically and with great vulnerability, it is important for me to reach for a life lived in this way with each decision I make. Even if that decision is as seemingly simple as whether or not to enjoy a chai latte in a weirdly primal way.
Brown identifies (among other things) three significant patterns that are essential for the cultivation of a resilient spirit. These three patterns are: Cultivating hope, Practicing critical awareness, and Letting go of numbing/taking the edge off of vulnerability, discomfort and pain.
“Hmm…” I thought after reading this conclusion. At this time in my life, I can say with conviction that I am a very hopeful person and I strive to practice critical awareness in all that I do. However, I do struggle with the art of letting go of numbing behaviors and wanting to take the edge off of vulnerability, discomfort and pain occasionally. I never do anything unhealthy or risky to take the edge off of emotional discomfort, but I do occasionally indulge in too much television, etc. in order to stop feeling quite so strongly about something or other. Lately, I have noticed one fairly odd numbing behavior in particular has been affecting me.
Over the past three months or so, I have noticed that whenever I am really lonely, I start craving soy chai lattes from Starbucks like I’m dying of thirst in a desert. As soon as sincere loneliness kicks in, I can actually taste chai latte. Adrenaline tastes like metal and apparently loneliness tastes like soy chai lattes from Starbucks. Something primal occurs when most of us experience deep levels of vulnerability, pain and/or discomfort. Because of my life experience and because of the lupus, I tend to have pretty high tolerances for pain, vulnerability, emotional discomfort, sleeplessness, etc. But I really do struggle with wanting to lessen a bit of the pain I feel when I am truly lonely. And for me, the easiest way to numb that pain is to hop out the door and travel 3 blocks to the nearest Starbucks for a soy chai latte. It gives me comfort and it gives me a distraction.
Sometimes, I rationalize that I could have worse vices and that if this yummy, hot beverage makes me feel better then I should just indulge. However, the principle of this guidepost has stopped me lately from indulging at all. In order to sit with my feelings and ultimately learn greater acceptance, tolerance and resilience, I fail to indulge far more often than not. Deep loneliness is sometimes a struggle for me, when it rears its ugly head. And because my daughter lives so far away for so much of the year, my guess is that it will continue to be a struggle for me for some time. As a result, when faced with a choice of indulging in a delicious (numbing, distracting) chai latte or practicing resilience, I hope to choose the latter with relatively great consistency.
This guidepost reminds me that in any way that we wish to grow as individuals, be it large or small, it is usually a matter of how we choose to perceive the situation and how we choose to act upon those perceptions that determines whether we ultimately achieve growth or not. As someone who wishes to live wholeheartedly, authentically and with great vulnerability, it is important for me to reach for a life lived in this way with each decision I make. Even if that decision is as seemingly simple as whether or not to enjoy a chai latte in a weirdly primal way.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Checking In – 18 Weeks until the Marathon
This Sunday will mark the 18-week mark until the June 1 Minneapolis marathon. Will I be ready? At this point, I am cautiously but vibrantly optimistic. I am trying both to focus on the journey and to take excellent care of myself in the process. However, I would really, REALLY like to have a finisher’s medal around my neck come June 1, so I am certainly keeping that in mind.
Last weekend, I created my training plan for the next 18 weeks. Given that many marathon training plans are shorter than 18 weeks, I feel good about having sufficient time to ramp up. My training plan is essentially a hybrid of Hal Higdon’s “Marathon Novice One,” Train Like a Mother’s “Marathon – Finish It,” and the Chi Marathon plans. I ultimately decided to stick with beginner plans because even though I’ve trained for marathons twice before (Once, pretty successfully during the summer of 2012 before I got sidelined by what turned out to be Lupus symptoms and once, pretty unsuccessfully which you all got to read about this past spring/summer…) my body is in pretty rough shape because it turns out that having Lupus is not fun.
For the past few weeks, my training has been more sporadic because I’ve basically been trying to determine what my body can and cannot handle. I understand that what it can handle will continue to evolve as my Lupus does. But, I feel pretty confident when I say that I believe I’ll be able to start diving into the 18-week training plan with a good deal of consistency, provided that I take really, really good care of my body. The other “what if” factor is whether or not I’ll be able to tolerate the pain enough to stay off steroids. Because frankly, my heart cannot handle training while I’m on steroids… and neither can my kidneys.
So! I’m feeling optimistic and believe that said optimism is grounded firmly in reality. I believe that I have a far better understanding of what my body will need from me and what its limitations are than when I was trying to train for the Twin Cities marathon last year. “Pre-training” season is almost over… and I believe strongly that I am mentally and as physically ready as I can be for training to begin in earnest.
(For those of you who are counting, training plans tend to start on Mondays and keep Monday as a rest day… so my 18 weeks of formal training begins formally on Tuesday, January 28. Wish me luck!)
Last weekend, I created my training plan for the next 18 weeks. Given that many marathon training plans are shorter than 18 weeks, I feel good about having sufficient time to ramp up. My training plan is essentially a hybrid of Hal Higdon’s “Marathon Novice One,” Train Like a Mother’s “Marathon – Finish It,” and the Chi Marathon plans. I ultimately decided to stick with beginner plans because even though I’ve trained for marathons twice before (Once, pretty successfully during the summer of 2012 before I got sidelined by what turned out to be Lupus symptoms and once, pretty unsuccessfully which you all got to read about this past spring/summer…) my body is in pretty rough shape because it turns out that having Lupus is not fun.
For the past few weeks, my training has been more sporadic because I’ve basically been trying to determine what my body can and cannot handle. I understand that what it can handle will continue to evolve as my Lupus does. But, I feel pretty confident when I say that I believe I’ll be able to start diving into the 18-week training plan with a good deal of consistency, provided that I take really, really good care of my body. The other “what if” factor is whether or not I’ll be able to tolerate the pain enough to stay off steroids. Because frankly, my heart cannot handle training while I’m on steroids… and neither can my kidneys.
So! I’m feeling optimistic and believe that said optimism is grounded firmly in reality. I believe that I have a far better understanding of what my body will need from me and what its limitations are than when I was trying to train for the Twin Cities marathon last year. “Pre-training” season is almost over… and I believe strongly that I am mentally and as physically ready as I can be for training to begin in earnest.
(For those of you who are counting, training plans tend to start on Mondays and keep Monday as a rest day… so my 18 weeks of formal training begins formally on Tuesday, January 28. Wish me luck!)
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
By the Numbers – January 13 – January 19
***Okay, everyone. I learned a valuable lesson this week. I can’t just trust that I’ll remember my daily stats the next day or the day afterwards. Also, post-it notes that say things like “Tuesday – Plastic Bag Story” mean very little a few days later when I’m trying to write things out, it seems. Therefore, this is going to be a short post without the daily details from last week. However, I have absolutely learned my lesson and today’s notes are already logged for next week’s “By the Numbers” post. Sorry about the misstep!***
Books finished this week:
- “These Girls” – Sarah Pekkanen (Fiction: Three young adult women attempt to become true and vulnerable friends while navigating their demons in modern day Manhatten… I enjoyed it. It reminded me of “Girls in White Dresses” by Jennifer Close without the bitter and cynical aftertaste)
- “The Four Agreements” – I am in need of this book. Of course, I filtered it a little (“Take nothing personally” has become “Take ALMOST nothing personally” because I agree with Brene Brown that swallowing this advice whole could impede connection) but overall, the core arguments of this book are truly wise. The author’s support of his arguments gets too disconnected for me at times, but as a whole, these are four agreements that I will be working to practice in my daily life.
A sample of what I am watching this week:
- “Under the Gunn” – I have never been a Heidi Klum fan, though I love “Project Runway.” This new show is essentially “Project Runway” sans Heidi but with the addition of past favorite contestants as mentors… and Tim Gunn is hosting! Yes, please!
- “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” – While watching his primetime special this last week, I concluded that no one on television has more fun than Jimmy Fallon. So in addition to “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” I am now having “Late Night” sent to my Hulu queue on a regular basis. What can I say? I am a sucker for unbridled joy.
Books finished this week:
- “These Girls” – Sarah Pekkanen (Fiction: Three young adult women attempt to become true and vulnerable friends while navigating their demons in modern day Manhatten… I enjoyed it. It reminded me of “Girls in White Dresses” by Jennifer Close without the bitter and cynical aftertaste)
- “The Four Agreements” – I am in need of this book. Of course, I filtered it a little (“Take nothing personally” has become “Take ALMOST nothing personally” because I agree with Brene Brown that swallowing this advice whole could impede connection) but overall, the core arguments of this book are truly wise. The author’s support of his arguments gets too disconnected for me at times, but as a whole, these are four agreements that I will be working to practice in my daily life.
A sample of what I am watching this week:
- “Under the Gunn” – I have never been a Heidi Klum fan, though I love “Project Runway.” This new show is essentially “Project Runway” sans Heidi but with the addition of past favorite contestants as mentors… and Tim Gunn is hosting! Yes, please!
- “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” – While watching his primetime special this last week, I concluded that no one on television has more fun than Jimmy Fallon. So in addition to “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” I am now having “Late Night” sent to my Hulu queue on a regular basis. What can I say? I am a sucker for unbridled joy.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Guidepost #2 – Cultivating Self-Compassion
(Note: The Subtitle of this Guidepost is “Letting Go of Perfectionism”)
In college, I studied writing under a professor who was also my academic advisor in the English department. As I came to understand his style of writing, he felt compelled to spend hours, days and even weeks on the same sentence. He simply refused to write another until the one he was tackling was perfect. Even though this professor was a talented man who taught me a great deal about literature in general, his approach to writing gave me nothing but nasty headaches.
Some creative individuals embrace and manage to thrive under a similar perfectionist approach. However, it strikes me as a uniquely challenging way to live. I tried to write this way for the first three years of my undergraduate career. It is probably not a coincidence that I suffered from such horrendous writer’s block during this period that I created virtually nothing. What I did create sounded nothing like me. Interestingly, this professor was the first one to point out that my work was technically sound, engaging and even arresting (his words, not mine) but lacked any trace of vulnerability.
When I began to work in earnest with my late, great mentor Fred Gaines during the early weeks of my senior year, my writing was almost immediately transformed. I had a rough first trimester that year. After the kind of break-up that leaves you changed, a host of emotions I had shoved down throughout my rough adolescence came pouring out of me. I worked through these emotions over the course of the year in healthy ways that helped to heal parts of me that had been bruised beyond recognition during my teens. And due to this emotional deluge, I started creating out of sheer force. Within weeks of the trimester’s start, I wrote a very raw, very, very mediocre shell of a work that was primarily a dance piece. The accompanying text was truly awful, though the dancing was engaging and the emotion was real. It was performed with such vulnerability of expression that I brought no critical eye to it whatsoever. Thankfully, I think that my fellow dancers and I did a lovely-enough job with the movement that the audience was at least able to enjoy the dancing (which was mercifully the bulk of the piece).
With this piece, I managed to find my creative voice free of perfectionist judgment in the depths of a few dark days in late September. Thankfully, the dark did not stay black for long and by October’s end, I had begun working with Fred in earnest. Fred drafted work not only more freely than my advisor, Fred drafted work more freely than anyone I’ve ever met. There was absolutely no judgment attached to Fred’s first drafts. Fred felt strongly that you drafted from your heart and guts. Only in editing did you employ your critical eye.
In early December, less than two months after I began to work with Fred, I sat up in bed in the middle of the night and grabbed the notebook and pen I kept by my side. The one-act play I wrote that night remains the most complete work I have ever created. It poured out of me drafted almost to completion. After a few critical edits, the piece was ready for performance. When I asked two actors to perform it in workshop for other playwrights, it was met with silence I later learned was awe.
I have yet to produce something else as organic as that one-act. I believe this is because the emotionally raw nature of that time period silenced every perfectionist tendency in my body.
Frustrated that my perfectionist ways had begun creeping back into my process during my first year of law school, I asked Fred if I had to be “tortured” in order to write in a vulnerable way. I have never heard him respond to any question as emphatically as that one. His “no” was so resounding that sometimes I still hear the exact tone of his voice in my head that he expressed that day.
When I started to write this blog post, I had intended to focus on Brene Brown’s arguments related to perfectionism. But ultimately, the experience of how I evolved from a writer plagued by perfectionist paralysis to the most free I’ve ever been as a creator speaks more to my views on perfectionism (to me, anyway) than any amateur analysis could.
I have been a perfectionist to my core (at very least) since I began having memories. I struggle with perfectionism in ways that sometimes sabotage my self-love, self-respect and ability to connect. But I know that at one time, the perfectionism in me was silenced by circumstance and raw vulnerability. Among the words and dance that came out of me from December to June of that year are the works I am most proud of to-date. And because I believe Fred’s “no” with my entire being, I know that I can find that kind of expression again while living with an open, healed, healthy, vibrantly happy and truly gracious heart. Cultivating self-compassion and letting go of perfectionism is a process… though I am oddly grateful that in the wake of dark days this reality snuck up on me just to prove its possibility.
In college, I studied writing under a professor who was also my academic advisor in the English department. As I came to understand his style of writing, he felt compelled to spend hours, days and even weeks on the same sentence. He simply refused to write another until the one he was tackling was perfect. Even though this professor was a talented man who taught me a great deal about literature in general, his approach to writing gave me nothing but nasty headaches.
Some creative individuals embrace and manage to thrive under a similar perfectionist approach. However, it strikes me as a uniquely challenging way to live. I tried to write this way for the first three years of my undergraduate career. It is probably not a coincidence that I suffered from such horrendous writer’s block during this period that I created virtually nothing. What I did create sounded nothing like me. Interestingly, this professor was the first one to point out that my work was technically sound, engaging and even arresting (his words, not mine) but lacked any trace of vulnerability.
When I began to work in earnest with my late, great mentor Fred Gaines during the early weeks of my senior year, my writing was almost immediately transformed. I had a rough first trimester that year. After the kind of break-up that leaves you changed, a host of emotions I had shoved down throughout my rough adolescence came pouring out of me. I worked through these emotions over the course of the year in healthy ways that helped to heal parts of me that had been bruised beyond recognition during my teens. And due to this emotional deluge, I started creating out of sheer force. Within weeks of the trimester’s start, I wrote a very raw, very, very mediocre shell of a work that was primarily a dance piece. The accompanying text was truly awful, though the dancing was engaging and the emotion was real. It was performed with such vulnerability of expression that I brought no critical eye to it whatsoever. Thankfully, I think that my fellow dancers and I did a lovely-enough job with the movement that the audience was at least able to enjoy the dancing (which was mercifully the bulk of the piece).
With this piece, I managed to find my creative voice free of perfectionist judgment in the depths of a few dark days in late September. Thankfully, the dark did not stay black for long and by October’s end, I had begun working with Fred in earnest. Fred drafted work not only more freely than my advisor, Fred drafted work more freely than anyone I’ve ever met. There was absolutely no judgment attached to Fred’s first drafts. Fred felt strongly that you drafted from your heart and guts. Only in editing did you employ your critical eye.
In early December, less than two months after I began to work with Fred, I sat up in bed in the middle of the night and grabbed the notebook and pen I kept by my side. The one-act play I wrote that night remains the most complete work I have ever created. It poured out of me drafted almost to completion. After a few critical edits, the piece was ready for performance. When I asked two actors to perform it in workshop for other playwrights, it was met with silence I later learned was awe.
I have yet to produce something else as organic as that one-act. I believe this is because the emotionally raw nature of that time period silenced every perfectionist tendency in my body.
Frustrated that my perfectionist ways had begun creeping back into my process during my first year of law school, I asked Fred if I had to be “tortured” in order to write in a vulnerable way. I have never heard him respond to any question as emphatically as that one. His “no” was so resounding that sometimes I still hear the exact tone of his voice in my head that he expressed that day.
When I started to write this blog post, I had intended to focus on Brene Brown’s arguments related to perfectionism. But ultimately, the experience of how I evolved from a writer plagued by perfectionist paralysis to the most free I’ve ever been as a creator speaks more to my views on perfectionism (to me, anyway) than any amateur analysis could.
I have been a perfectionist to my core (at very least) since I began having memories. I struggle with perfectionism in ways that sometimes sabotage my self-love, self-respect and ability to connect. But I know that at one time, the perfectionism in me was silenced by circumstance and raw vulnerability. Among the words and dance that came out of me from December to June of that year are the works I am most proud of to-date. And because I believe Fred’s “no” with my entire being, I know that I can find that kind of expression again while living with an open, healed, healthy, vibrantly happy and truly gracious heart. Cultivating self-compassion and letting go of perfectionism is a process… though I am oddly grateful that in the wake of dark days this reality snuck up on me just to prove its possibility.
Friday, January 17, 2014
DiSC Personality Training
This past week, my team and our sister team at work went through DiSC personality training. As you might have seen on my Facebook wall last week, a few of us did not initially react well to the results we were given in preparation for training. We were asked to take a personality test largely focused on our styles of communication. Prior to the testing, we were given the results of this testing. It was widely acknowledged that the test results seemed both spot on and a little insulting. So, why did I walk out of DiSC training feeling like a million dollars? You ask an excellent question.
DiSC is an acronym for the four major styles of communication present in any group.
D = Dominance (Direct, results-oriented, firm, strong-willed, forceful)
I = Influence (Outgoing, enthusiastic, optimistic, high-spirited, lively)
C = Conscientiousness (Analytical, reserved, precise, private, systematic)
S = Steadiness (Even-tempered, accommodating, patient, humble, tactful)
Depending on the results of the intake test, each individual is identified by either one letter, or a dominant and secondary letter. (It is more complex than this, but I don’t want to ramble). I was identified as an iD… meaning that I am primarily an “I” but also demonstrate significant “D” tendencies at times. The identification explains my communication style, my stressors, my motivators, my fears and my behaviors pretty dead on. Which is why I was initially struck by the information… having all your strengths and vulnerabilities laid out in front of you is kind of horrible, initially. And because I have some (cough, cough) perfectionist tendencies, the vulnerabilities in my personality initially overwhelmed all the other data.
When training began, we did an exercise to see if our self-identifications matched with our data. We were asked to self-identify as active (fast-paced, bold, assertive, dynamic) or thoughtful (moderate, calm, methodical, careful). I immediately hopped up and moved to the “active” side of the room, assuming that of the roughly 30 of us present that we would split roughly in half. TWO other people joined me. Everyone (friends, co-workers and Mark) else identified as “thoughtful.” Umm… okay.
Then, we were further asked to divide from our initial groups into questioning (logic-focused, objective, skeptical, challenging) and accepting (people-focused, empathetic, receptive, agreeable). I was one of two people in the room who identified as both active and accepting. Two out of 30. And I swear, it was the most fun corner in the room. That corner was later revealed to be the “I” corner.
I have always been a black sheep. We’re talking midnight black. And this truth has always made me feel self-conscious at best, unworthy and ashamed at worst. Most of the room ended up identifying as “S” and “C” both on paper and in self-identification. I was, as one of two self-identifying “I’s” and the only solid “iD” in the room on paper, quite the little oddball in the room. But it was strangely empowering to be told objectively that I am the odd woman in the room. No WONDER I feel like I do things differently. I AM different. Not better or worse, just different. (God, it sounds like I’m writing a motivational children’s book over here…)
Later, the room (including many of my wonderful readers and Mark, who I kicked under the table) had a good laugh when I revealed that the data proves that my greatest motivator is setting bold objectives and my greatest stressor is having to moderate my pace. Isn’t that what this entire “Running on Empty” blog is about? The data proves that my greatest (somewhat rational) fears are fixed environments and loss of approval. I was told that to greater increase my effectiveness I should focus on the details and be patient (Ha!) I also apparently influence people by my boldness and passion, which I think is nice.
I walked out of training owning my unique, bold, bad-ass, enthusiastic, outgoing and generally lively self with strong-willed and direct tendencies. The data may have confirmed that I am an oddball, but at this point in my life, the data struck me as a wonderful confirmation of self rather than of disconnection. I look forward to communicating and connecting with you all in my own little “iD” way.
DiSC is an acronym for the four major styles of communication present in any group.
D = Dominance (Direct, results-oriented, firm, strong-willed, forceful)
I = Influence (Outgoing, enthusiastic, optimistic, high-spirited, lively)
C = Conscientiousness (Analytical, reserved, precise, private, systematic)
S = Steadiness (Even-tempered, accommodating, patient, humble, tactful)
Depending on the results of the intake test, each individual is identified by either one letter, or a dominant and secondary letter. (It is more complex than this, but I don’t want to ramble). I was identified as an iD… meaning that I am primarily an “I” but also demonstrate significant “D” tendencies at times. The identification explains my communication style, my stressors, my motivators, my fears and my behaviors pretty dead on. Which is why I was initially struck by the information… having all your strengths and vulnerabilities laid out in front of you is kind of horrible, initially. And because I have some (cough, cough) perfectionist tendencies, the vulnerabilities in my personality initially overwhelmed all the other data.
When training began, we did an exercise to see if our self-identifications matched with our data. We were asked to self-identify as active (fast-paced, bold, assertive, dynamic) or thoughtful (moderate, calm, methodical, careful). I immediately hopped up and moved to the “active” side of the room, assuming that of the roughly 30 of us present that we would split roughly in half. TWO other people joined me. Everyone (friends, co-workers and Mark) else identified as “thoughtful.” Umm… okay.
Then, we were further asked to divide from our initial groups into questioning (logic-focused, objective, skeptical, challenging) and accepting (people-focused, empathetic, receptive, agreeable). I was one of two people in the room who identified as both active and accepting. Two out of 30. And I swear, it was the most fun corner in the room. That corner was later revealed to be the “I” corner.
I have always been a black sheep. We’re talking midnight black. And this truth has always made me feel self-conscious at best, unworthy and ashamed at worst. Most of the room ended up identifying as “S” and “C” both on paper and in self-identification. I was, as one of two self-identifying “I’s” and the only solid “iD” in the room on paper, quite the little oddball in the room. But it was strangely empowering to be told objectively that I am the odd woman in the room. No WONDER I feel like I do things differently. I AM different. Not better or worse, just different. (God, it sounds like I’m writing a motivational children’s book over here…)
Later, the room (including many of my wonderful readers and Mark, who I kicked under the table) had a good laugh when I revealed that the data proves that my greatest motivator is setting bold objectives and my greatest stressor is having to moderate my pace. Isn’t that what this entire “Running on Empty” blog is about? The data proves that my greatest (somewhat rational) fears are fixed environments and loss of approval. I was told that to greater increase my effectiveness I should focus on the details and be patient (Ha!) I also apparently influence people by my boldness and passion, which I think is nice.
I walked out of training owning my unique, bold, bad-ass, enthusiastic, outgoing and generally lively self with strong-willed and direct tendencies. The data may have confirmed that I am an oddball, but at this point in my life, the data struck me as a wonderful confirmation of self rather than of disconnection. I look forward to communicating and connecting with you all in my own little “iD” way.
Monday, January 13, 2014
By the Numbers – January 6-12
Note that this is the first of my weekly posts detailing progress and general news of how my training and healing are going. It is a bit "thinner" than I would like this week, but my joints were really, really crabby for a few days. New categories of info will be added weekly as they become more relevant.
Books finished this week:
- “The Gifts of Imperfection” – Brene Brown (Focuses primarily on the concept of authenticity. I enjoyed it… even though I think some of her other work more fully explores whatever subject matter she chooses to tackle within the piece)
A sample of what I am watching this week:
- “Downton Abbey ” – The Crawleys are back! Woo! (I am still upset about the scene later in the first episode with the nanny. Seriously, lady?)
- “Gilmore Girls – Season Seven” – It turns out that if you wait several years to re-watch this final season, it doesn’t make you want to throw things at the television as much as it did when it first aired.
Monday 1/6 – Rest day… Making my rest day Monday will make me love Mondays!
Tuesday 1/7
Step Count: 675 (Explained below)
Training: None (Explained below)
Something interesting I learned today: Normally my daily green juice consists primarily of kale, with parsley, celery, cucumber, ginger and a bit of green apple thrown in. Today I threw in kiwis to sweeten it up. It turns out that I prefer when my green juice tastes like the ground. Who knew?
Other News: I went to bed excited Monday night because I was set to resume marathon training the next day. I was a little concerned because my lupus symptoms were bad enough to require pain meds Monday night, but I wasn’t too worried. I woke up Tuesday morning unable to move my elbows. Much like the few times my jaw has been so inflamed that I couldn’t chew or close it, my elbows were so inflamed that I could not straighten or bend my arms. (Umm… okay…) Because I’m trying to stay off more steroids in order to give my organs a break, I sucked it up. But between the elbow issue and screaming hip pain, I barely moved all day. 675 steps? That is insane. New ramp-up recovery goal is to add 1,000 steps per day (when healthy and possible) until I get back to a minimum of 12,000.
Wednesday 1/8
Step Count: 3,011 – as today’s ramp up goal was 2,000, woo hoo!
Training: None… still having mega issues with my elbows and hips. Managed to drive though!
Something interesting I learned today: Having an eye doctor who works out of a children’s eye clinic is fun. When my eyes were being dilated, I got to watch “Clifford” with a bunch of sweet little kids who kept asking me “Why you gots crazy glasses?” (I had on those flimsy plastic sunglass things that make everyone look like Stevie Wonder to protect my eyes) and “Can I sit in your lap if I promise not to get in your Clifford-way?”
Other News: I don’t know if anyone else in Minnesota has noticed, but it is pretty darn cold out…
Thursday 1/9
Step Count: 3,117 (ramp up goal met)
Training: Tried to strength train but the pain shooting through several bones was bad enough that I had to back off. I am going to go gentler tomorrow.
Something interesting I learned today: I had a wise person tell me that one reason I may be struggling so much with the practical limitations of lupus is that my self-concept has been rooted for some time in the manifestations of productivity. She then predicted that I will be happier when I fully grieve “productive Kassie” and transition to being “passionate Kassie” who can accomplish meaningful things while not shooting “herself” in the foot for not being productive 18 hours per day. I found this assessment profound and will be considering it thoughtfully.
Other News: My daughter Samantha has been uncharacteristically struggling in math over the past few months. She called me tonight shrieking that she had gotten 29 out of 30 on her math quiz. It is wonderful to hear how happy this breakthrough makes her.
Friday 1/10
Step Count: 4,006 (ramp up goal met)
Training: Low-Intensity Yoga for 30 minutes… much less painful than the strength training was yesterday. I wonder if I will experience less pain in strength training if I do it shortly after doing my yoga… if anyone has experience with this, let me know!
Something interesting I learned today: Meeting for to eat yummy things and then go yarn shopping makes a perfect best friend date for the month of January.
Other News: I purchased a Groupon way back in July for a combined one-hour massage and chiropractic assessment at this little place in Apple Valley. Because it is set to expire in two days, I finally went. It turns out that Fridays are “Freaky Fridays” at this little clinic, which means that the clientele work through all sorts of exercises, etc. to “groovy” music. As a result, I had a one-hour massage while Stevie Wonder rattled the walls of the massage room. This ended up being more fun than one would expect.
Saturday 1/11
Step Count: unsure, due to pool running. But, by my estimations per running lap in the water, I think I hit my ramp up goal of 5,000 steps with room to spare!
Training: 30 minute restorative yoga and 25 minute pool run. I didn’t want to push too hard and make my hips crabby… I think I gave a good effort without blowing out my hips.
Something interesting I learned today: I JUST learned that you can purchase television episodes on Amazon.com one by one. I will use this option rarely, but I think it is an absolutely brilliant service… my most terrible lupus days thank Amazon in advance.
Other News: The women’s figure skating national championship finals are on tonight. Many of you may already be aware that I am an Olympics junkie. Tonight marks the beginning of Sochi fever for me!
Sunday 1/12
Step Count: I am confident that I met my 6,000 step ramp-up goal between ordinary walking and pool running… but my FitBit is not waterproof, so we’ll just have to trust my instincts.
Training: One hour of yin yoga and 30 minute pool run. Soooooo much better than the “nothing” from earlier this week back when I couldn’t move my elbows!
Something interesting I learned today: I learned the identity of my “puzzle piece mystery Santa.” For the past few weeks, I’ve been receiving puzzle pieces in the mail with incredibly kind notes stamped and written on the back of each. Today, I went down to check yesterday’s mail and the final puzzle piece revealed that my kind and wonderful friend Amy Wasson had been the thoughtful sneakster. I am truly overwhelmed by the gesture and so grateful to have this incredible woman in my life.
Other News: The Golden Globes are on tonight! (In addition to being an Olympics junkie, I have also loved both the Golden Globes and the Oscars since I was very, very little.) I am excited to see the “real” Tina Fey and Amy Poehler host… though my dear friend Amanda and I make good substitutes, you know. (I’ll give you all one guess as to whether I’m the Tina or Amy in our friendship).
Books finished this week:
- “The Gifts of Imperfection” – Brene Brown (Focuses primarily on the concept of authenticity. I enjoyed it… even though I think some of her other work more fully explores whatever subject matter she chooses to tackle within the piece)
A sample of what I am watching this week:
- “Downton Abbey ” – The Crawleys are back! Woo! (I am still upset about the scene later in the first episode with the nanny. Seriously, lady?)
- “Gilmore Girls – Season Seven” – It turns out that if you wait several years to re-watch this final season, it doesn’t make you want to throw things at the television as much as it did when it first aired.
Monday 1/6 – Rest day… Making my rest day Monday will make me love Mondays!
Tuesday 1/7
Step Count: 675 (Explained below)
Training: None (Explained below)
Something interesting I learned today: Normally my daily green juice consists primarily of kale, with parsley, celery, cucumber, ginger and a bit of green apple thrown in. Today I threw in kiwis to sweeten it up. It turns out that I prefer when my green juice tastes like the ground. Who knew?
Other News: I went to bed excited Monday night because I was set to resume marathon training the next day. I was a little concerned because my lupus symptoms were bad enough to require pain meds Monday night, but I wasn’t too worried. I woke up Tuesday morning unable to move my elbows. Much like the few times my jaw has been so inflamed that I couldn’t chew or close it, my elbows were so inflamed that I could not straighten or bend my arms. (Umm… okay…) Because I’m trying to stay off more steroids in order to give my organs a break, I sucked it up. But between the elbow issue and screaming hip pain, I barely moved all day. 675 steps? That is insane. New ramp-up recovery goal is to add 1,000 steps per day (when healthy and possible) until I get back to a minimum of 12,000.
Wednesday 1/8
Step Count: 3,011 – as today’s ramp up goal was 2,000, woo hoo!
Training: None… still having mega issues with my elbows and hips. Managed to drive though!
Something interesting I learned today: Having an eye doctor who works out of a children’s eye clinic is fun. When my eyes were being dilated, I got to watch “Clifford” with a bunch of sweet little kids who kept asking me “Why you gots crazy glasses?” (I had on those flimsy plastic sunglass things that make everyone look like Stevie Wonder to protect my eyes) and “Can I sit in your lap if I promise not to get in your Clifford-way?”
Other News: I don’t know if anyone else in Minnesota has noticed, but it is pretty darn cold out…
Thursday 1/9
Step Count: 3,117 (ramp up goal met)
Training: Tried to strength train but the pain shooting through several bones was bad enough that I had to back off. I am going to go gentler tomorrow.
Something interesting I learned today: I had a wise person tell me that one reason I may be struggling so much with the practical limitations of lupus is that my self-concept has been rooted for some time in the manifestations of productivity. She then predicted that I will be happier when I fully grieve “productive Kassie” and transition to being “passionate Kassie” who can accomplish meaningful things while not shooting “herself” in the foot for not being productive 18 hours per day. I found this assessment profound and will be considering it thoughtfully.
Other News: My daughter Samantha has been uncharacteristically struggling in math over the past few months. She called me tonight shrieking that she had gotten 29 out of 30 on her math quiz. It is wonderful to hear how happy this breakthrough makes her.
Friday 1/10
Step Count: 4,006 (ramp up goal met)
Training: Low-Intensity Yoga for 30 minutes… much less painful than the strength training was yesterday. I wonder if I will experience less pain in strength training if I do it shortly after doing my yoga… if anyone has experience with this, let me know!
Something interesting I learned today: Meeting for to eat yummy things and then go yarn shopping makes a perfect best friend date for the month of January.
Other News: I purchased a Groupon way back in July for a combined one-hour massage and chiropractic assessment at this little place in Apple Valley. Because it is set to expire in two days, I finally went. It turns out that Fridays are “Freaky Fridays” at this little clinic, which means that the clientele work through all sorts of exercises, etc. to “groovy” music. As a result, I had a one-hour massage while Stevie Wonder rattled the walls of the massage room. This ended up being more fun than one would expect.
Saturday 1/11
Step Count: unsure, due to pool running. But, by my estimations per running lap in the water, I think I hit my ramp up goal of 5,000 steps with room to spare!
Training: 30 minute restorative yoga and 25 minute pool run. I didn’t want to push too hard and make my hips crabby… I think I gave a good effort without blowing out my hips.
Something interesting I learned today: I JUST learned that you can purchase television episodes on Amazon.com one by one. I will use this option rarely, but I think it is an absolutely brilliant service… my most terrible lupus days thank Amazon in advance.
Other News: The women’s figure skating national championship finals are on tonight. Many of you may already be aware that I am an Olympics junkie. Tonight marks the beginning of Sochi fever for me!
Sunday 1/12
Step Count: I am confident that I met my 6,000 step ramp-up goal between ordinary walking and pool running… but my FitBit is not waterproof, so we’ll just have to trust my instincts.
Training: One hour of yin yoga and 30 minute pool run. Soooooo much better than the “nothing” from earlier this week back when I couldn’t move my elbows!
Something interesting I learned today: I learned the identity of my “puzzle piece mystery Santa.” For the past few weeks, I’ve been receiving puzzle pieces in the mail with incredibly kind notes stamped and written on the back of each. Today, I went down to check yesterday’s mail and the final puzzle piece revealed that my kind and wonderful friend Amy Wasson had been the thoughtful sneakster. I am truly overwhelmed by the gesture and so grateful to have this incredible woman in my life.
Other News: The Golden Globes are on tonight! (In addition to being an Olympics junkie, I have also loved both the Golden Globes and the Oscars since I was very, very little.) I am excited to see the “real” Tina Fey and Amy Poehler host… though my dear friend Amanda and I make good substitutes, you know. (I’ll give you all one guess as to whether I’m the Tina or Amy in our friendship).
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Guidepost #1 – Cultivating Authenticity
(As mentioned in my 1/8/14 post, I will be writing one post per week over the next 10 weeks – in addition to my other posts – specifically reflecting on the 10 Guideposts for “WholeHearted Living” outlined in Brene Brown’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection.”)
What does it mean to live authentically? Brown insists that authentic living is a practice – a daily practice of choosing to let our real selves be expressed, seen and known. At first glance, the choice to practice authentic living may seem like an easy one. However, expectations and insecurities bred by wider society, family, friends, employers and personal experience can push anyone to make inauthentic choices at any given point.
The vitally important concept of living authentically is what drew me to this text in the first place. For a great deal of my life, people that were extremely close to me made their opinions known that I was/am unlovable, unworthy, unlikeable and unwanted. If that message is conveyed even once to a vulnerable child or young adult, it can be hurtful. Played repeatedly, that message can really affect one’s sense of self, capacity for vulnerability and one’s expression of self.
As you might suspect, it has become increasingly difficult over the years to remain authentic and to express myself authentically in the face of so much harsh judgment and rejection. However, I have reached a point of self-awareness, self-respect and self-love that my own messages of self-worth usually override the highly negative messages I have received from many people that I have loved, trusted and admired over the years. However, belief and expression of belief are two different entities. I may now believe that I am a loveable, worthy person, but outwardly expressing who I am authentically is still a scary prospect. After all, even though I have risen above a great deal of negative and false messages in many capacities, showing my authentic self to the world still inspires fear of judgment, rejection and disconnection by extension.
And yet, Brown makes an excellent point when she notes that “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” One cannot truly have a connection with another if authenticity plays no part in that bond. Without vulnerability and an authentic expression of self, true love, friendship, mentorship and growth cannot occur.
There are many valid reasons why individuals allow fear of rejection, judgment and disconnection to inspire inauthentic choices and expressions of self. However, allowing these fears to affect our authentic expression ultimately inspires the very outcomes we dread. If I am expressing myself inauthentically in order to avoid rejection, judgment and disconnection, I breed these things. For is anyone actually embracing ME if I am hiding my true self? For better and worse, the answer is no.
In the end, living authentically in a consistent manner scares the hell out of me. But at this point in my life, I believe that I have far more to lose and very little to gain in any real sense by living any other way.
What does it mean to live authentically? Brown insists that authentic living is a practice – a daily practice of choosing to let our real selves be expressed, seen and known. At first glance, the choice to practice authentic living may seem like an easy one. However, expectations and insecurities bred by wider society, family, friends, employers and personal experience can push anyone to make inauthentic choices at any given point.
The vitally important concept of living authentically is what drew me to this text in the first place. For a great deal of my life, people that were extremely close to me made their opinions known that I was/am unlovable, unworthy, unlikeable and unwanted. If that message is conveyed even once to a vulnerable child or young adult, it can be hurtful. Played repeatedly, that message can really affect one’s sense of self, capacity for vulnerability and one’s expression of self.
As you might suspect, it has become increasingly difficult over the years to remain authentic and to express myself authentically in the face of so much harsh judgment and rejection. However, I have reached a point of self-awareness, self-respect and self-love that my own messages of self-worth usually override the highly negative messages I have received from many people that I have loved, trusted and admired over the years. However, belief and expression of belief are two different entities. I may now believe that I am a loveable, worthy person, but outwardly expressing who I am authentically is still a scary prospect. After all, even though I have risen above a great deal of negative and false messages in many capacities, showing my authentic self to the world still inspires fear of judgment, rejection and disconnection by extension.
And yet, Brown makes an excellent point when she notes that “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” One cannot truly have a connection with another if authenticity plays no part in that bond. Without vulnerability and an authentic expression of self, true love, friendship, mentorship and growth cannot occur.
There are many valid reasons why individuals allow fear of rejection, judgment and disconnection to inspire inauthentic choices and expressions of self. However, allowing these fears to affect our authentic expression ultimately inspires the very outcomes we dread. If I am expressing myself inauthentically in order to avoid rejection, judgment and disconnection, I breed these things. For is anyone actually embracing ME if I am hiding my true self? For better and worse, the answer is no.
In the end, living authentically in a consistent manner scares the hell out of me. But at this point in my life, I believe that I have far more to lose and very little to gain in any real sense by living any other way.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
On the Subject of Resolutions
Ever since I was a little girl, I have eagerly embraced every superstitious opportunity to make wishes. I wish on eyelashes and on dandelion fluff. I wish while holding my breath in tunnels and when gently blowing ladybugs off my fingertips. I wish on shooting stars and on pennies thrown into fountains. Each of these wishing opportunities may feel silly or even stupid to many people. But I’ve always been full to bursting with wishes, so embracing every goofy opportunity to let my wishes fill me up has always made sense to me.
I also embrace every available opportunity to set, review and refine my goals. The beginning of each month, day and week, birthdays, the start of new seasons… these are all prime times to review, set or refine either short or long-term goals. This (perhaps slightly overboard) approach to wishing and goal-setting is why I embrace the idea of New Year’s resolutions. If I was the type of person who only made goals every once in awhile, I might find New Year’s resolutions to be superficial and annoying. However, I jump at chances all year long to refocus my attentions. As a result, New Year’s resolutions just seem like common sense for me, personally.
This year, I did not start my New Year’s resolutions until January 5. My daughter Samantha left for California on New Year’s Eve, and I had a sneaking suspicion that I would be in no mood to Carpe Diem on New Year’s Day. I was right. I spent New Year’s Day missing my kid so much I started having chest pains. Then, I spent the next day trying to refocus my state of mind. January 5 seemed like a much more reasonable time to begin my newest set of personal goals.
And what are these new goals, you ask? Well, in addition to refined goals that I am already charting and a few I will share with you at a later date, I am currently focused on the idea of accepting and celebrating progress. Last year (to be forever known as “The Year of the Lupus Diagnosis”) was a rough one. I spent a great deal of the year learning about my condition, coping with it and falling flat on my face after numerous false starts in pursuit of new goals.
It would therefore be easy to say something along the lines of, “I’m starting 2014 40 pounds overweight, in poor condition to train, losing hair by the fistful and as frustrated as one would rightly expect me to be… I resolve to FIX all of this!” But that is the naïve 2013 way of assessing a situation. I struggled mightily throughout 2013 with embarrassment, anxiety and even shame about not being able to “fix” my condition. Each time I had to slow down, stop training, take more steroids, etc. I put myself down for not being able to avoid my plight. Thank God, I am so much wiser in 2014. (Wink.)
In order to embrace the peace, self-love and self-respect (fingers crossed) that comes with celebrating progress and effort rather than results alone, I have come up with two blog-related New Year’s resolutions. (Others I will talk about later.) The first, is that until the marathon in June, I will be posting one “by the numbers” post per week that will detail my training for that week and other things I’ve been able to make some progress or significant effort towards. In this way, I hope to remind myself that I have indeed made progress and that the efforts themselves are worthy goals.
Second, I will be posting one post per week (for the next ten weeks… longer if I choose to work through another text) on the 10 Guideposts for “Wholehearted Living” (I know, cheesy, but stay with me here) in Brene Brown’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection.” The Guideposts each represent active choices I am striving to embrace in my own life. By blogging about them, I will be connecting with both the concepts and their application in a vulnerable yet healthy way.
In addition to the “by the numbers” and “guidepost” posts, I will continue to post one other post per week in a similar style to my past posts. I hope that you will join me for any or all of these posts, as I work towards celebrating progress and effort, even if the lupus continues to “win” some of the battles I choose to engage in. Happy belated New Year’s, everyone!
I also embrace every available opportunity to set, review and refine my goals. The beginning of each month, day and week, birthdays, the start of new seasons… these are all prime times to review, set or refine either short or long-term goals. This (perhaps slightly overboard) approach to wishing and goal-setting is why I embrace the idea of New Year’s resolutions. If I was the type of person who only made goals every once in awhile, I might find New Year’s resolutions to be superficial and annoying. However, I jump at chances all year long to refocus my attentions. As a result, New Year’s resolutions just seem like common sense for me, personally.
This year, I did not start my New Year’s resolutions until January 5. My daughter Samantha left for California on New Year’s Eve, and I had a sneaking suspicion that I would be in no mood to Carpe Diem on New Year’s Day. I was right. I spent New Year’s Day missing my kid so much I started having chest pains. Then, I spent the next day trying to refocus my state of mind. January 5 seemed like a much more reasonable time to begin my newest set of personal goals.
And what are these new goals, you ask? Well, in addition to refined goals that I am already charting and a few I will share with you at a later date, I am currently focused on the idea of accepting and celebrating progress. Last year (to be forever known as “The Year of the Lupus Diagnosis”) was a rough one. I spent a great deal of the year learning about my condition, coping with it and falling flat on my face after numerous false starts in pursuit of new goals.
It would therefore be easy to say something along the lines of, “I’m starting 2014 40 pounds overweight, in poor condition to train, losing hair by the fistful and as frustrated as one would rightly expect me to be… I resolve to FIX all of this!” But that is the naïve 2013 way of assessing a situation. I struggled mightily throughout 2013 with embarrassment, anxiety and even shame about not being able to “fix” my condition. Each time I had to slow down, stop training, take more steroids, etc. I put myself down for not being able to avoid my plight. Thank God, I am so much wiser in 2014. (Wink.)
In order to embrace the peace, self-love and self-respect (fingers crossed) that comes with celebrating progress and effort rather than results alone, I have come up with two blog-related New Year’s resolutions. (Others I will talk about later.) The first, is that until the marathon in June, I will be posting one “by the numbers” post per week that will detail my training for that week and other things I’ve been able to make some progress or significant effort towards. In this way, I hope to remind myself that I have indeed made progress and that the efforts themselves are worthy goals.
Second, I will be posting one post per week (for the next ten weeks… longer if I choose to work through another text) on the 10 Guideposts for “Wholehearted Living” (I know, cheesy, but stay with me here) in Brene Brown’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection.” The Guideposts each represent active choices I am striving to embrace in my own life. By blogging about them, I will be connecting with both the concepts and their application in a vulnerable yet healthy way.
In addition to the “by the numbers” and “guidepost” posts, I will continue to post one other post per week in a similar style to my past posts. I hope that you will join me for any or all of these posts, as I work towards celebrating progress and effort, even if the lupus continues to “win” some of the battles I choose to engage in. Happy belated New Year’s, everyone!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)