When Lowering Stress Levels is a Bad Thing

Yesterday was International Human Rights Day. Ordinarily, I would be taking the opportunity that this day affords to draw attention to certain human rights abuses occurring both domestically and internationally. I would urge my loved ones to write their elected officials, to join campaigns designed to address these abuses, to take action in significant ways. But, this year all I did was wish my loved ones a “Happy International Human Rights Day” on Facebook. I took this action alone because talking about human rights gets me very worked up. And I am supposed to guard against getting worked up at all costs.

Those of you who know me well know that I am an intense person. Although I absolutely love to laugh and to enjoy myself, my default state is intensity. I have been this way since I was a very little girl. For most of my life, this default state has suited me well. It has allowed me to pursue my education, my relationships and my personal growth despite significant odds. While my intensity may alienate people at times, most people who love me would ultimately cite my intensity as a virtue rather than a vice.

However, those loved ones also tend to echo the words of my physicians. They all insist that my intense nature tends to lead to stress. And when one has lupus, stress must be avoided. Chronic stress leads to inflammation in the body. Lupus causes chronic extensive inflammation. Managing stress generally leads to less inflammation in the body, which ultimately helps to lessen lupus symptoms. So, if I want to become healthy enough to get off my meds so that I can both get pregnant and sustain a healthy pregnancy, I have to lay off the stress. Unfortunately, laying off stress actually compromises my identity.

As you likely know, I am most passionate about three particular realities. My relationships, writing/storytelling and human rights. Being the mom of a teenager and Mark’s partner can be stressful at times… but generally my family and friend relationships bring me more joy than stress. However, writing/storytelling and human rights advocacy are necessarily stressful. It is important to note that I DON’T MIND the stress that these two passions cause. They are so intimately connected to my identity that the stress that necessarily accompanies them is a total afterthought to me. However, my body DOES MIND this stress.

I confess that I truly resent the idea that in order to remain healthy and to become pregnant at this point in my life that I must essentially avoid the passions that make me, me. There is really no way to be a productive writer or to be an effective human rights advocate without becoming invested in this inherently stressful work. I am finding that I can’t even read the New York Times on a daily basis without getting seriously fired up. I don’t read passively. If I read something that I feel strongly about, I end up researching it, reaching out to my elected representatives, corporations, etc. about it, contacting organizations about volunteering or otherwise engaging, etc. Reading passively just doesn’t work for me… this is so true that my daughter refers to writing letters to companies, elected officials, etc. as “Going all Kassie.” I can’t even watch the news or political programming without talking intensely to said programs. Mark frequently hears me talking to the television in the next room and simply yells, “You tell ‘em, baby!” (This is becoming a more and more frequent refrain in our house as the 2016 election has drawn closer.)

When I attempt to detach from stress, I end up getting very quiet. I tend to read only children’s books, YA lit and chick lit. I lose my appetite. I also sleep A LOT. It is as if my body starts to shut down when I stop interacting with (and ultimately stressing out about) the things that matter most to me. I have been trying since law school to figure out ways to remain a writer and advocate while becoming less of a stress ball. I have not been successful. Writing and advocacy tend to be all-encompassing for me.

Project Jellybean means the world to me. And if I have to spend a few years quietly, passively and narcoleptic in order to meet the newest member of our family, I will absolutely do so. But I confess that I neither like this lower-stress reality, nor do I recognize who I am within it.

Problem: I Love Television

One of the stranger obstacles I must overcome in my quest to become much, much healthier is that I love television. And while I will unapologetically respond "Yes!" if someone asks if I am a big fan of television, I harbor a great deal of personal guilt over the fact that I am so enamored with this particular form of entertainment.

This guilt was recently soothed a bit when I engaged in a conversation with someone I consider to be brilliant, straightforward and trustworthy. She confirmed that while programming that serves primarily as a distraction should be either avoided or seriously limited, programming that makes me think critically or that inspires me likely does me more good than harm... provided that I am not binge-watching said programming.

Thankfully, most of my favorite programming fits this criterion. Shows like "Alias," "Downton Abbey," "The West Wing," "The Newsroom," "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," "Super Soul Sunday," and "Madame Secretary" are either inspirational or compel me to think critically. I justify "creation-focused" reality television like "Project Runway" and "Top Chef" because, occasional cattiness and drama aside, they make me think about my own creative process and time management challenges. I can even (sometimes) justify my love of shows like "Parks and Recreation," "Mom," "Jane the Virgin" and "Grey's Anatomy" because (like many books) they either cause me to belly laugh and or they stretch my ability to empathize. Finally, I justify watching "The Daily Show," "The Nightly Show," "Last Week Tonight with John Oliver" and the non-interview (and interviews of inspirational individuals) segments of "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert" because they tend to be news-based and are generally whip-smart.

Watching any shows I happen to love that don't meet these criteria ("Dance Moms" - Please don't judge me too harshly... I love to watch the girls dance even though Abby Lee is abhorrent, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," "Hart of Dixie," Anything on The Food Network, "Modern Family," etc.) fill me with guilt.

In addition, even the shows I can justify are so numerous that I can easily spend many of my waking hours watching them, if given the opportunity. I am a voracious reader, but I tend to turn to television in the evenings when my eyes won't focus and they roll around in my head if I try to focus on type. Also, my kitchen table serves as my work space, so I tend to eat in front of the television too. In short, I watch too much damn television. And even when I can justify my choice of programming, watching so much of it serves as a serious obstacle to focusing on all the things I need to be doing to get healthy.

And yet... I LOVE television. Living at a time when I can easily focus my television time on programming I truly want to watch makes viewing a pleasure. In addition, it tends to serve as a form of connection with the rest of humanity when I am too darn sick to socialize. I may know that excessive viewing is an obstacle to getting healthier, yet it is certainly the most challenging personal habit to kick... at least for me. If I come up with any brilliant ways to keep my ass off the couch and my eyes off the television, I will let you know. Until then, just cross your fingers for me that I can at least exercise a modicum of self-control when it comes to the endless appeal of modern television.