Just One More???

Mark and I are *probably* done having kids. Probably. Maybe. Probably.

There is a particular challenge associated with having a nearly 17-year age gap between your first and second kiddos. And I did not anticipate that this challenge would color nearly everything I do. What is it? I am fully aware of what the process of raising a child to near-adulthood entails. And I know, on a deeper level than any of my other friends my age with kids do, what babies grow up into. I love Eleanor so desperately that she knocks the wind out of me. But I know from experience that this love will expand, deepen and become something remarkable in a different way as the years pass. Samantha serves as my ever-present evidence of how a parent's love changes over time. And what if there is another little person waiting to be loved this way? Will I regret not finding out? Ugh, this topic makes me feel nauseous.

See, there are many reasons why Mark and I are *probably* done having kids. Eleanor's illness and my illness stretch our physical, financial and emotional resources pretty thin. Mark is a serious introvert and my guess is that it will be even harder for him to get some time to himself if we expand our family again. My single greatest fault (at this point in time, at least) is my stupid temper and I think having sibling squabbling around me would probably make me a worse mother and person. Eleanor's immune system sucks and having another kid around is going to make it harder to keep her from getting sick. My autoimmune system sucks and having another kid would be one more tax on my system. Heck, I'm writing this blog for six months partially because my stupid blood is threatening my health in a whole new way. BUT.

Mark and I had no idea whether my body would hold up if we had a baby. With my particular disease, you just can't know. So we made the decision to have her based on the premise that if something is truly, truly important in life and the decision is binary, you make the decision and figure out the rest as you go. This is a VERY narrow life philosophy and it really only applies to things like marriage, massive career changes, moving across the country, etc. But it absolutely applies to having kids. And so the question ultimately becomes, do we think our family is complete?

There are moments, hours and even days when I think, "Yep. These two kids I have are more than I could ever hope for and I will be thrilled spending the rest of my life with them." And then there are moments, hours and even days when I think, "Nope. There is someone else out there I am supposed to love from 'go' and I should probably get cracking on making him or her from scratch." And I gotta tell you, the indecision sucks. I feel like it keeps me from fully living in the moment with the other two. But I also think that forcing myself to make one decision or the other prematurely may lead to one of those life-long Regrets with a capital "R." So, I just keep asking my friends with two or more kids close in age how having more than one changed their lives and I think. Think, think, think. I am starting to sound like Winnie-the-Pooh. But unfortunately, Pooh is totally zen and I am most definitely not. On this issue, I am most uncharacteristically... Piglet.