Over the past ten days, I watched my beloved grandmother’s casket get lowered into the ground and I was put on a medication that I almost certainly cannot come off of and absolutely cannot get pregnant while taking. This medication is for my heart… it is not an inflammation or pain medication that I could potentially “muscle through” without. There is no getting out of this one and there will be no new tiny people while I am on this drug. And this horrible, potentially life-saving drug (I know, right? How annoying that it is both…) may be forever.
The universe knows me SO DAMN WELL. If there is a time of year to throw this kind of devastating loss and potential loss at me, it is Christmastime. I love Christmas. LOVE it. I am practically an elf. Even when there is no money and when there has been no loved ones to share it with, I drink Christmas up with a straw.
Mark and I have put up an absolutely gorgeous tree, which I decorated in cheap, sparkly red Christmas balls and white lights. It is the first tree I’ve had since 2009, because I haven’t been able to justify the expense. But it is finally time to say “hang the expense” and put up a tree. Why? Because I need joy right now. It is really that simple. And Christmas brings me joy.
Since my grandmother died, I have been breaking out in hives. Itchy, burning, red, angry hives. All over my back and all over my chest. I now pop Benadryl like candy. I just cannot seem to get my body to stop manifesting stress and grief. My inflammation has also gotten so bad that I can’t take the stairs standing upright. This morning, I had to crawl down the flight of stairs to the garage and crawl back up because my hips just won’t cooperate. My whole body is crabby. And when your body starts to break down like that, you do what you can to care for yourself, even if it means stretching your budget to bursting.
So, we have a tree and we bought some wall decals that look like snowflakes. My house looks like it is snowing and it is absolutely gorgeous. I am watching anything Christmas-related that Netflix is streaming and I listen to Christmas music while I do my physical therapy exercises. I am very, very tempted to get waterproof earbuds and a waterproof ipod thing so I can listen to Christmas music while I’m doing physical therapy in the pool, but I don’t think that even I can get my budget to stretch that far. ;)
Sometimes, even in the face of challenges that make your hair fall out (and you all know that mine loves to do that!) you need to soak up as much joy as is possible. The year has been a rough one and my body is certainly acting out as a result. But, it is also the most wonderful time of the year and I plan to take full advantage of that.
