Friday, February 20, 2015
Featured on "Another Mother Runner"
Good morning, all. Do you remember that I gave an interview (many moons ago) to the authors of the "Another Mother Runner" series? My story is being featured today on their blog. My interview has been condensed and edited in some strange grammatical ways, but I hope that it provides some others with inspiration regardless! Have a wonderful weekend and feel free to check out my interview when you have a moment: http://anothermotherrunner.com/2015/02/19/in-her-shoes-logging-miles-lupus/?utm_source=Mother+Runners+Daily&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=006ec197ac-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_term=0_3932c69c84-006ec197ac-63523073
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Self-love on Valentine's Day
Oh, Valentine’s Day. Loved by some and loathed by others… I understand both reactions. Personally, I am a big fan of Valentine’s Day because I think any excuse to behave in loving, romantic or goofy ways is an excuse to be embraced.
Samantha was surprised to discover that she was the only one of her friends to bring valentines to share this year. I probably should have given her a word of warning that not every eighth grader views a holiday like Valentine’s Day as something to get excited about. But in the end, she felt fabulous about the fact that the little homemade felt and puffball cupcake valentine kit I sent her led to gifts that were giddily received. It may not be “cool” to like valentines as a teenager, but when someone is brave enough to give you a cute and lovingly presented treat, the result tends to be largely positive. This is the Valentine’s Day lesson that my daughter learned this year.
I am in the process of learning another lesson. I dig holidays. I really, really dig holidays, actually. But the tone of holidays has changed since I became a lupus patient. Planning ahead is difficult and showing up for plans is even more difficult. I spent a good 20 minutes talking myself into simply getting into the shower today. And only partially because I am not currently in a position to go “all out” by hosting some sort of celebration or sending elaborate homemade gifts to loved ones this year, I am working on fostering some heightened levels of self-love.
Self-love is a tricky thing when your identity has been modified significantly by illness. I certainly attempt to practice self-compassion on a daily basis, but I struggle with liking myself sometimes when my “self” looks so very different than I am used to. I had someone I respect deeply say to me this week, “Remember old you? Energetic you? Damn she was great.” Umm… thanks? I know that this individual meant this comment as a sort of compliment. But this comment only served to reinforce the audio in my head which too frequently judges my current self against my pre-lupus self.
After thinking about this comment for awhile, I resolved to take my dear “excuse” for loving behavior that is Valentine’s Day and turn that excuse inward. Too often, we forget to treat ourselves in the loving ways that we would ordinarily treat others. For example, if a loved one of mine had the experience that I had this morning (which involved me having to protect a mentally disabled teenage boy from mistreatment and becoming terribly rattled in the wake of my confrontation with the individual who refused to afford this young man any respect or consideration), I would have treated that loved one to tea or coffee and a chat until he or she felt better. That is just how I personally would show my love for someone in that situation. So, I treated myself to tea, a cookie and a long journal “vent” about the situation until I did indeed begin to feel better.
If you are out of the habit of treating yourself with the kind of love that you shower others with, consider taking the “excuse” of this Valentine’s Day to make that kind of effort. It may not yield the same kinds of feelings you ordinarily associate with making loving efforts, but it is absolutely an effort worth making. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!
Samantha was surprised to discover that she was the only one of her friends to bring valentines to share this year. I probably should have given her a word of warning that not every eighth grader views a holiday like Valentine’s Day as something to get excited about. But in the end, she felt fabulous about the fact that the little homemade felt and puffball cupcake valentine kit I sent her led to gifts that were giddily received. It may not be “cool” to like valentines as a teenager, but when someone is brave enough to give you a cute and lovingly presented treat, the result tends to be largely positive. This is the Valentine’s Day lesson that my daughter learned this year.
I am in the process of learning another lesson. I dig holidays. I really, really dig holidays, actually. But the tone of holidays has changed since I became a lupus patient. Planning ahead is difficult and showing up for plans is even more difficult. I spent a good 20 minutes talking myself into simply getting into the shower today. And only partially because I am not currently in a position to go “all out” by hosting some sort of celebration or sending elaborate homemade gifts to loved ones this year, I am working on fostering some heightened levels of self-love.
Self-love is a tricky thing when your identity has been modified significantly by illness. I certainly attempt to practice self-compassion on a daily basis, but I struggle with liking myself sometimes when my “self” looks so very different than I am used to. I had someone I respect deeply say to me this week, “Remember old you? Energetic you? Damn she was great.” Umm… thanks? I know that this individual meant this comment as a sort of compliment. But this comment only served to reinforce the audio in my head which too frequently judges my current self against my pre-lupus self.
After thinking about this comment for awhile, I resolved to take my dear “excuse” for loving behavior that is Valentine’s Day and turn that excuse inward. Too often, we forget to treat ourselves in the loving ways that we would ordinarily treat others. For example, if a loved one of mine had the experience that I had this morning (which involved me having to protect a mentally disabled teenage boy from mistreatment and becoming terribly rattled in the wake of my confrontation with the individual who refused to afford this young man any respect or consideration), I would have treated that loved one to tea or coffee and a chat until he or she felt better. That is just how I personally would show my love for someone in that situation. So, I treated myself to tea, a cookie and a long journal “vent” about the situation until I did indeed begin to feel better.
If you are out of the habit of treating yourself with the kind of love that you shower others with, consider taking the “excuse” of this Valentine’s Day to make that kind of effort. It may not yield the same kinds of feelings you ordinarily associate with making loving efforts, but it is absolutely an effort worth making. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!
Monday, February 2, 2015
Why “Beating Lupus” is Much Like Passing the Bar Exam
Bar Exam: Act One
The first time I prepped for the Bar Exam, I spent the months leading up to it supervising 75 teenage girls and a gaggle of counselors at a residential summer camp in the Poconos mountains. I was technically on-duty from 7:00am every morning when I woke the girls up until 10:30 at night, when I told them one last time to please be quiet. The only days I had off that summer I spent either studying or flying home to take the exam.
Each day, I studied every spare moment I got. I flipped through flashcards as I walked back and forth to various camp activities and highlighted down outlines as I ate as much ice cream as my belly would hold on “Sundae Mondays.” I reviewed and wrote practice essays while making sure kids didn’t sneak out of dances to make out in the woods and I flipped through even more flashcards while watching the girls during counselor downtime. Roughly 10 days before the test, I felt as ready as one can feel when it comes to the Bar Exam. And then… swine flu swept through the camp like wildfire.
I would later learn that the area where the camp was located was essentially ground zero for the swine flu epidemic that laid much of the country flat that summer. It should have occurred to me that I might get sick taking care of lots of sick teen girls. But these poor kids were far from home and I wasn’t going to let them be alone or without what they needed if I could help it. When I got sick, alone and in a sweltering cabin with no entertainment, no relief and no cell reception, I spent a lot of time feverishly drifting between crying in my sleep and crying while awake.
Three days before the exam, the camp doctor faxed a note to the Board of Examiners indicating that there was no medical way I could sit for the exam. But because I had non-refundable plane tickets back to the Cities and I desperately wanted someone to take care of me for a few days, I selfishly flew home. It didn’t occur to me until I was vomiting repeatedly on the plane, while fighting the worst headache of my life, that the decision had been a mistake.
Bar Exam: Act Two
Several months after the swine flu debacle, I had been hired at Thomson Reuters and needed to study again so that I could actually take the damn test. I certainly couldn’t take a leave from a brand-new job, so I got up early every day to drive into work and headed to Starbucks to study after putting in a full workday. I then studied at Starbucks until it closed. I often stayed at Starbucks from open until close on weekend days as well. Because Mark never got to see me in these days, he would often bring work or a book to Starbucks just to sit next to me while I studied… as he was usually asleep when I got home and still asleep when I left in the morning for work.
Lupus:
Studying for the Bar Exam is a process that takes over your life. It consumes every moment you are awake… you are either studying, doing some other necessary task before you study or trying to recover from studying too much. This observance is not a complaint. I am fully aware of how many women (both past and present) would have given limbs for the opportunities I was given to both go to law school and sit for the Bar Exam. I cannot express how grateful I am to have been able to navigate this experience. However, it is worth noting that the experience is both draining and consuming.
Trying to battle the symptoms of Lupus successfully is not unlike the process of studying for the Bar. It consumes my thoughts and actions from the first moments after I wake in the morning until I try to quiet my brain for sleep. I dream about it and agonize over it and do my damndest to show up for the process. And just as it is draining and consuming, I am fully aware that it could be so much worse. I am grateful that my condition has only been debilitating for short bursts of time, unlike the conditions of so many other autoimmune patients. And hopefully… just maybe… I will be able to “beat” the symptoms of Lupus in the same way that I FINALLY passed the Bar Exam that second time around.
The first time I prepped for the Bar Exam, I spent the months leading up to it supervising 75 teenage girls and a gaggle of counselors at a residential summer camp in the Poconos mountains. I was technically on-duty from 7:00am every morning when I woke the girls up until 10:30 at night, when I told them one last time to please be quiet. The only days I had off that summer I spent either studying or flying home to take the exam.
Each day, I studied every spare moment I got. I flipped through flashcards as I walked back and forth to various camp activities and highlighted down outlines as I ate as much ice cream as my belly would hold on “Sundae Mondays.” I reviewed and wrote practice essays while making sure kids didn’t sneak out of dances to make out in the woods and I flipped through even more flashcards while watching the girls during counselor downtime. Roughly 10 days before the test, I felt as ready as one can feel when it comes to the Bar Exam. And then… swine flu swept through the camp like wildfire.
I would later learn that the area where the camp was located was essentially ground zero for the swine flu epidemic that laid much of the country flat that summer. It should have occurred to me that I might get sick taking care of lots of sick teen girls. But these poor kids were far from home and I wasn’t going to let them be alone or without what they needed if I could help it. When I got sick, alone and in a sweltering cabin with no entertainment, no relief and no cell reception, I spent a lot of time feverishly drifting between crying in my sleep and crying while awake.
Three days before the exam, the camp doctor faxed a note to the Board of Examiners indicating that there was no medical way I could sit for the exam. But because I had non-refundable plane tickets back to the Cities and I desperately wanted someone to take care of me for a few days, I selfishly flew home. It didn’t occur to me until I was vomiting repeatedly on the plane, while fighting the worst headache of my life, that the decision had been a mistake.
Bar Exam: Act Two
Several months after the swine flu debacle, I had been hired at Thomson Reuters and needed to study again so that I could actually take the damn test. I certainly couldn’t take a leave from a brand-new job, so I got up early every day to drive into work and headed to Starbucks to study after putting in a full workday. I then studied at Starbucks until it closed. I often stayed at Starbucks from open until close on weekend days as well. Because Mark never got to see me in these days, he would often bring work or a book to Starbucks just to sit next to me while I studied… as he was usually asleep when I got home and still asleep when I left in the morning for work.
Lupus:
Studying for the Bar Exam is a process that takes over your life. It consumes every moment you are awake… you are either studying, doing some other necessary task before you study or trying to recover from studying too much. This observance is not a complaint. I am fully aware of how many women (both past and present) would have given limbs for the opportunities I was given to both go to law school and sit for the Bar Exam. I cannot express how grateful I am to have been able to navigate this experience. However, it is worth noting that the experience is both draining and consuming.
Trying to battle the symptoms of Lupus successfully is not unlike the process of studying for the Bar. It consumes my thoughts and actions from the first moments after I wake in the morning until I try to quiet my brain for sleep. I dream about it and agonize over it and do my damndest to show up for the process. And just as it is draining and consuming, I am fully aware that it could be so much worse. I am grateful that my condition has only been debilitating for short bursts of time, unlike the conditions of so many other autoimmune patients. And hopefully… just maybe… I will be able to “beat” the symptoms of Lupus in the same way that I FINALLY passed the Bar Exam that second time around.
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