Currently, there is a grande Starbucks cup in my refrigerator that says in big block letters, “You are absolutely beautiful.” And I think that the lovely, blonde, 20-something, female barista chose these words for one specific reason. But perhaps I should back up…
Thinking about the four hours I spent in the doctor’s office and in the pain clinic on Friday now, I am still dazed. There have only been a few times in my life in which the person speaking to me delivered news that so rattled me that his or her words started to turn into the garbled nonsense noises of the teacher from “Peanuts.” But as the doctors told me,
“Your lupus is progressing rapidly,” and
“You have now developed fibromyalgia as a secondary diagnosis to the lupus,” and
“Marathon? You can’t do that. I need you to understand what you’re facing right now.”
Well… my brain started to dull the words and world around me.
Driving home in horrifically icy conditions, I unintentionally (but perhaps subconsciously) had somehow put David Crosby’s “What’s Broken” on repeat. After realizing that the song had been playing over and over, I concluded that I needed to pull over and pull myself together.
I ended up at a little Starbucks on Hennepin. When I got to the front of the line, I was focused enough to give the barista my order. I had been reciting it during my wait in line because I was so rattled, I didn’t trust myself to know what I wanted when asked if I didn’t concentrate on the inevitable question, “What can I get for you?” But it turned out that the follow-up question, “How are you today?” was the one that threw me for a loop.
In an uncharacteristic moment of having no filter, no defenses, no sense of decorum, I said simply, “I was diagnosed with another autoimmune disorder this morning and it turns out that I am much sicker than I thought. I can’t run the marathon. So… I need chai. I’m sorry.” Because of course, I tend to apologize when I’ve let just a little too much of myself show.
I became embarrassed, and went into the bathroom to put cold water on my face before the kind, lovely barista could respond to my disclosure. In the bathroom, I noticed that my braids were messy and coming undone. I looked as pale as I can possibly get and the area around my eyes had developed a purplish hue. I started feeling sorry for the barista because she was compelled to deal with the emotionally wrung-out and disheveled version of myself instead of the kind, perky one.
When I came out, my drink was behind the counter but another barista had replaced the one who took my order. On the chai cup, the barista who had helped me had written, “You are absolutely beautiful.” I think women often use the word beautiful as a reminder as much as an observation. And because I was looking physically wrecked, my guess is that this kind and lovely young woman saw something in me that I needed to be reminded of. I have not fully tapped into that reminder quite yet, but I have faith that I will in time.
Part of the reason why I am still so dazed is that my disease felt the need to put an exclamation point on what the doctors said, just in case I wasn’t listening. My pain level was so off the charts all day Saturday that I couldn’t even hold down water. I just lay on the floor in the quiet dark and repeatedly vomited stomach acid (I tend to vomit repeatedly from extreme pain, which is awesome) while Mark provided me with cold compresses, tissues and stuffed animals for comfort.
I found comfort in Mark’s presence (and in my beloved stuffed monkey that Mark named “Paul Simon” years ago), just as I have managed to begin to find comfort in the barista’s quiet reminder on the outside of my chai cup. I will find perspective soon, once my brain allows me to focus and I’ll write about what my next steps are (I don’t take words like “You can’t” very well… so, we’ll see). But in the meantime, I feel like I now have a real kinship with Winnie-the-Pooh, who found himself literally stuck in a doorway with no way of moving. And as such, I say to you all, “Oh, bother.”
***Note – The post I put up on Friday was written on Wednesday and scheduled to post on Friday. Just in case you are wondering how I managed to write a blog about “play” after the day I had…
Monday, February 24, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Guidepost #7 – Cultivating Play and Rest
(Brown subtitles this Guidepost: “Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth” – This subtitle alone is highlighted, underlined and starred in my copy of “The Gifts of Imperfection.”)
During her discussion of this particular Guidepost, Brown notes that “I now understand that play is as essential to our health and functioning as rest.” It took me years to understand that rest is critical to healthy functioning and even longer to understand the similar value of play. I believe that many of us struggle with this notion, especially because we live in a society that is truly driven to be productive as many hours of the day as possible.
When trying to cultivate play, the key for me has been to prioritize play in the same ways that I do every other health-related task on my daily to-do grid. Because my habits have been so shaped by the idea of listing priorities, I simply choose to list “play” as one of the things I must do each day for my health.
When my daughter is home, this to-do item is easy to engage in. We love board games in particular and a host of other playful activities as well. It gets a little more challenging to engage in “play” when I am by myself. However, this important practice does give me a fantastic excuse to buy coloring books and other fun activities at the age of 31.
Beyond making “play” a to-do in my every day, it helps me to be surrounded by fun and silly people. I am deeply grateful to have friends who aren’t afraid to be silly and truly enjoy having fun. As a serious person, I sometimes need a push in order to be a goof, to let my guard down and to allow myself to be light.
I can be a deeply serious and intense person. It did not strike me just how true this characterization is until my own sweet girl Samantha said last summer in passing, “Well Mama, I think you feel that way because you’re serious, intense and full of purpose. I’m just… well, I’m just lighter than you are.” There is nothing wrong with being serious, intense and full of purpose, but if that is one’s only mode of being, it can be an unhealthy way to approach life. I am therefore trying to cultivate the “lighter” side of myself in all kinds of playful and silly ways.
I am not far along in my journey of transitioning my self concept from “Productive” to “Passionate.” Because frankly, tying one’s self-worth to productivity is a difficult agreement to reform. However, I am reminded of how valuable my efforts to transition my self concept are most often in moments of peace, deep love, vibrant creativity and wholehearted play. In this sense, play is helping me reconceive what my life can be and who I truly am. If you are facing challenges in your own self-concept, I would encourage you to try and cultivate play more often. It just might help you move towards the person you most want to be.
During her discussion of this particular Guidepost, Brown notes that “I now understand that play is as essential to our health and functioning as rest.” It took me years to understand that rest is critical to healthy functioning and even longer to understand the similar value of play. I believe that many of us struggle with this notion, especially because we live in a society that is truly driven to be productive as many hours of the day as possible.
When trying to cultivate play, the key for me has been to prioritize play in the same ways that I do every other health-related task on my daily to-do grid. Because my habits have been so shaped by the idea of listing priorities, I simply choose to list “play” as one of the things I must do each day for my health.
When my daughter is home, this to-do item is easy to engage in. We love board games in particular and a host of other playful activities as well. It gets a little more challenging to engage in “play” when I am by myself. However, this important practice does give me a fantastic excuse to buy coloring books and other fun activities at the age of 31.
Beyond making “play” a to-do in my every day, it helps me to be surrounded by fun and silly people. I am deeply grateful to have friends who aren’t afraid to be silly and truly enjoy having fun. As a serious person, I sometimes need a push in order to be a goof, to let my guard down and to allow myself to be light.
I can be a deeply serious and intense person. It did not strike me just how true this characterization is until my own sweet girl Samantha said last summer in passing, “Well Mama, I think you feel that way because you’re serious, intense and full of purpose. I’m just… well, I’m just lighter than you are.” There is nothing wrong with being serious, intense and full of purpose, but if that is one’s only mode of being, it can be an unhealthy way to approach life. I am therefore trying to cultivate the “lighter” side of myself in all kinds of playful and silly ways.
I am not far along in my journey of transitioning my self concept from “Productive” to “Passionate.” Because frankly, tying one’s self-worth to productivity is a difficult agreement to reform. However, I am reminded of how valuable my efforts to transition my self concept are most often in moments of peace, deep love, vibrant creativity and wholehearted play. In this sense, play is helping me reconceive what my life can be and who I truly am. If you are facing challenges in your own self-concept, I would encourage you to try and cultivate play more often. It just might help you move towards the person you most want to be.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Not an Ordinary Monday Post
Hello dear readers! “Where is the Monday “By the Numbers post?” you ask… I didn’t write one this past week because I wasn’t sure I was going to continue this particular blog.
As you may have heard, I was having some doubts about whether or not my blog was resonating with you all after noticing a fairly substantial drop in readership lately. I asked for feedback while I contemplated putting this blog down. I did not want to continue to make the effort to blog at this point in time if people are not choosing to read it, simply because one of this blog’s primary purposes is connection with you all. I started this blog in great part to connect with readers and to start working through my phobia of putting my written words out into the world in a capacity beyond ghostwriting. I write in other capacities for myself everyday… this blog is meant to be something more connection-based than my other work currently is.
I received some wonderful constructive feedback. I also received some sincerely appreciated encouragement and assurances that you all are enjoying whatever posts tend to pique your interest. I also received an incredibly kind note from a former classmate (thank you, Elissa!) that I will treasure for years to come, partially because it snapped me into some perspective that I had been lacking.
So… the blog is here to stay! I will continue to keep writing until I (knock on all wood surfaces around you) finish the marathon at the beginning of June and begin plotting my next big connection-based writing project. A special thanks to all of you who confirmed that this blog is serving purposes beyond my own self-focused ones.
Because I have no numbers to share with you this week, I thought I would give you a recommendation for something else to read that may get your wheels turning. Professional runner Lauren Fleshman recently had a baby and then strutted her bad-ass, in-shape bod on the runway at Fashion Week only a few months later. But upon reflecting about what it means to fully appreciate our bodies in our “best” and “worst” moments, she opted to blog about the experience, complete with her perceived “worst” photos of the days surrounding Fashion Week, including one with her “gut” sticking out and one of her so-called “thigh cheese.” I am not really doing this project justice, but it definitely inspired me and I hope you will dig both her post and a follow-up blog about the response the original post received. Have a brilliant week everyone… see you in a few days with another post of my own!
LF’s original blog: http://asklaurenfleshman.com/2013/11/keeping-it-real/
Follow-up piece: http://www.runnersworld.com/womens-running/lets-keep-it-real-about-our-bodies?cm_mmc=Facebook-_-RunnersWorld-_-Content-Blog-_-KeepingItReal
As you may have heard, I was having some doubts about whether or not my blog was resonating with you all after noticing a fairly substantial drop in readership lately. I asked for feedback while I contemplated putting this blog down. I did not want to continue to make the effort to blog at this point in time if people are not choosing to read it, simply because one of this blog’s primary purposes is connection with you all. I started this blog in great part to connect with readers and to start working through my phobia of putting my written words out into the world in a capacity beyond ghostwriting. I write in other capacities for myself everyday… this blog is meant to be something more connection-based than my other work currently is.
I received some wonderful constructive feedback. I also received some sincerely appreciated encouragement and assurances that you all are enjoying whatever posts tend to pique your interest. I also received an incredibly kind note from a former classmate (thank you, Elissa!) that I will treasure for years to come, partially because it snapped me into some perspective that I had been lacking.
So… the blog is here to stay! I will continue to keep writing until I (knock on all wood surfaces around you) finish the marathon at the beginning of June and begin plotting my next big connection-based writing project. A special thanks to all of you who confirmed that this blog is serving purposes beyond my own self-focused ones.
Because I have no numbers to share with you this week, I thought I would give you a recommendation for something else to read that may get your wheels turning. Professional runner Lauren Fleshman recently had a baby and then strutted her bad-ass, in-shape bod on the runway at Fashion Week only a few months later. But upon reflecting about what it means to fully appreciate our bodies in our “best” and “worst” moments, she opted to blog about the experience, complete with her perceived “worst” photos of the days surrounding Fashion Week, including one with her “gut” sticking out and one of her so-called “thigh cheese.” I am not really doing this project justice, but it definitely inspired me and I hope you will dig both her post and a follow-up blog about the response the original post received. Have a brilliant week everyone… see you in a few days with another post of my own!
LF’s original blog: http://asklaurenfleshman.com/2013/11/keeping-it-real/
Follow-up piece: http://www.runnersworld.com/womens-running/lets-keep-it-real-about-our-bodies?cm_mmc=Facebook-_-RunnersWorld-_-Content-Blog-_-KeepingItReal
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Guidepost #6 – Cultivating Creativity
When I was pregnant with Samantha more than 13-years ago (Good Lord…) my beloved parenting class teacher Marilyn Catlin taught me how to knit. Even since then, I have had skeins of brightly colored yarn nesting in various locations all over the house. For example, in addition to all the yarn currently residing in my big soft-sided yarn “tub” that I keep in my living room, I have four works in progress camping out on my bookshelves in various states of completion. Among them are pieces made of Kelly Green yarn, Deep Teal yarn, Black Sparkly Yarn, and this Gold-Pink hybrid yarn that defies description beyond those words because it seems to change before your eyes.
My yarn choices stand in stark contrast to the other fabrics in my house. When I put effort into my appearance (an effort which is only now being realized again after a long period of lupus-induced “I don’t have energy to put effort into my appearance, so please excuse the fact that I look like the bird lady from Mary Poppins”) I tend to favor fairly classical tastes. Great black pants or jeans, a simple but chic top in a classic color and minimal makeup suit me just fine. As a result of my approach, most of the basics in my wardrobe are black, blue, grey, brown and white. Scarves I’ve knitted in vibrant colors and interesting textures are what give my wardrobe a touch of my vivacious personality. They brighten, enliven and spice up my otherwise reserved approach to my appearance. And I adore my scarves, because I created each and every one of them.
Knitting is not the only way that I cultivate my creativity on a daily basis. I try to write creatively and to dance every single day that my eyes and the rest of my body care to cooperate. However, I don’t let others read my fiction terribly often (I’m working on the demons that keep me from putting that work out into the world) and the last time anyone saw me dance was in early 2009. However, my knitting provides a low-risk way for me to share my creativity with the world. I am confident in my knitting abilities and my yarn choices are so varied that my scarves tend to inspire conversation. I don’t doubt my knitting like I do my dance and my writing. I do all three daily, but my knitting is the only creative pursuit I have that doesn’t make me feel painfully vulnerable.
I think it is really important to cultivate creativity on a daily basis in ways that challenge you (like dance and writing do for me) and that make you simply happy (knitting). Creativity is not a luxury, so I hope you never fail to engage in your own creative work because it is somehow viewed as less important than other significant pursuits in your life. If you do question the value of your creative work, please pick up all three of Brene Brown’s books (or any author who intrigues you and writes on the need for regular creative work) and get reading. They will change your perspective. (Start with “I Thought it was Just Me, then Gifts of Imperfection, then Daring Greatly.)
Thankfully, I realized a few years back during a rough few months in my life that unless I practice creative work every day that my approach to life and sense of self almost instantly start to fall out of alignment with my values. Brown notes that part of the reason cultivating creativity as a daily practice is so critical is that creative work is among the only unique contributions we can make in this lifetime. It is an expression of our original being. As a result, failure to engage in active cultivation of creative pursuits can make us feel disconnected, resentful and marked by self-neglect.
If you suffer from any of these byproducts of suppressing your creativity (and regular cultivation of it) come hang out with me. We can chat about your creative aspirations while I knit up another scarf.
My yarn choices stand in stark contrast to the other fabrics in my house. When I put effort into my appearance (an effort which is only now being realized again after a long period of lupus-induced “I don’t have energy to put effort into my appearance, so please excuse the fact that I look like the bird lady from Mary Poppins”) I tend to favor fairly classical tastes. Great black pants or jeans, a simple but chic top in a classic color and minimal makeup suit me just fine. As a result of my approach, most of the basics in my wardrobe are black, blue, grey, brown and white. Scarves I’ve knitted in vibrant colors and interesting textures are what give my wardrobe a touch of my vivacious personality. They brighten, enliven and spice up my otherwise reserved approach to my appearance. And I adore my scarves, because I created each and every one of them.
Knitting is not the only way that I cultivate my creativity on a daily basis. I try to write creatively and to dance every single day that my eyes and the rest of my body care to cooperate. However, I don’t let others read my fiction terribly often (I’m working on the demons that keep me from putting that work out into the world) and the last time anyone saw me dance was in early 2009. However, my knitting provides a low-risk way for me to share my creativity with the world. I am confident in my knitting abilities and my yarn choices are so varied that my scarves tend to inspire conversation. I don’t doubt my knitting like I do my dance and my writing. I do all three daily, but my knitting is the only creative pursuit I have that doesn’t make me feel painfully vulnerable.
I think it is really important to cultivate creativity on a daily basis in ways that challenge you (like dance and writing do for me) and that make you simply happy (knitting). Creativity is not a luxury, so I hope you never fail to engage in your own creative work because it is somehow viewed as less important than other significant pursuits in your life. If you do question the value of your creative work, please pick up all three of Brene Brown’s books (or any author who intrigues you and writes on the need for regular creative work) and get reading. They will change your perspective. (Start with “I Thought it was Just Me, then Gifts of Imperfection, then Daring Greatly.)
Thankfully, I realized a few years back during a rough few months in my life that unless I practice creative work every day that my approach to life and sense of self almost instantly start to fall out of alignment with my values. Brown notes that part of the reason cultivating creativity as a daily practice is so critical is that creative work is among the only unique contributions we can make in this lifetime. It is an expression of our original being. As a result, failure to engage in active cultivation of creative pursuits can make us feel disconnected, resentful and marked by self-neglect.
If you suffer from any of these byproducts of suppressing your creativity (and regular cultivation of it) come hang out with me. We can chat about your creative aspirations while I knit up another scarf.
Monday, February 10, 2014
By the Numbers – February 3 – February 9
Books I Finished This Week:
- “Tales From the Crib” – by Risa Green – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… I am a sucker for decent chick lit. (This is the sequel to the book I finished last week, “Notes from the Underbelly.” The first one was much better, but it doesn’t take much to make me happy when it comes to decent chick lit)
- “The Untethered Soul” – by Michael A. Singer – As an individual with a degree in comparative religious studies (almost exclusively focused on near, middle and far eastern religions) I have a high tolerance and appreciation for eastern religious viewpoints and influences. However, themes of disconnection really rankle me for a myriad of reasons. As a result, I almost put this book down before I had really dug into it. But after pushing past the first few chapters and filtering through some of the questionably articulated westernized approaches to eastern ideas, I truly enjoyed the piece. I believe it has affected me enough that I will revisit sections of it regularly.
A Sample of What I Am Watching This Week:
- “Treehouse Masters” – A master treehouse builder and his motley crew travel around the U.S. constructing fabulous (and mega expensive) treehouses. Some of his projects include a treehouse spa, a treehouse brewery, a butterfly-themed structure to be used by grieving families and a Santa’s workshop. Good, family-friendly fun!
- “Meet the Press” – Once one of my top five favorite shows on television, I feel that this program has regressed into little more than a political gossip show. BUT, because I have faith that it will eventually turn around, I continue to DVR it and at least check if any legitimate discussions are occurring before I dismiss it during any given week.
Monday 2/3 – Rest day Monday… oh, I like you so much…
Tuesday 2/4
Step Count: 2,452 (aka: couch potato)
Training: I had to take a sick day today because of debilitating pain and some temporary paralysis in my legs. Ummm… no, thank you. I’d rather not do this anymore, lupus. I am learning to honor and accept you, but this is a bit much. (No training today. Will hopefully be able to make it up later in the week)
Something Interesting I Learned Today: I am truly grateful for the fact that I can take sick days from work when I need to (like today). Although I have to say… vacation days are way more fun.
Other News: Reason 4,523,961 why I love my daughter… She is an intelligent and thoughtful writer, but in her personal emails to me, she uses roughly uses one exclamation point for every 20 other characters typed.
Wednesday 2/5:
Step Count: Funny story… my FitBit had to be reset today by their tech people because about 1,500 steps into my day, my FitBit account went bananas and congratulated me on having climbed 10,000 flights of stairs in one day. 1,500 steps… 10,000 flights of stairs… it is really all the same, you know.
Training: “Only” one hour yin yoga… still having a rough time from yesterday and Monday… ahhhhhh, Lupus.
Something Interesting I Learned Today: I bought 10 yellow roses for myself for $6.99 today at Byerlys. It turns out that buying myself yellow flowers and making it a point to smell them every time I pass either vase they are in is a surefire cure for the blues. Try it!
Other News: Today I registered for the October Medtronic Twin Cities Marathon. Third time signing up is a charm!
Thursday 2/6:
Step Count: 8,723 plus pool work (getting back in the swing of things!)
Training: 30 minute pool run, 30 minutes of low-intensity yoga and 20 minute treadmill hill walking… Not what my training plan says I need to do today, but is a major improvement over the past few days. Excited to hopefully be feeling good enough to really dig in this weekend!
Something Interesting I Learned Today: My daughter created a website about child soldiers as a project on human rights for school. I am incredibly proud of what she has done. If you have any interest in checking it out, you can view it here: Http://samanthabevers.wix.com/childsoldiers
Other News: Despite the controversy surrounding the Olympics (And as an active human rights advocate I absolutely care about the controversy), I have Olympic fever. I have been an Olympics nut since I was a small child. I love when the world comes together to do anything peaceful and triumphant… and in my mind, the Olympics is one of the greatest demonstrations of such intention. Plus, because I speak/read/write basic Russian, love Russian literature, appreciate Russian culture (and went through a phase in my teens during which I was convinced I was a Romanov princess in another life) I am absolutely pumped to see the coverage of Sochi.
Friday 2/7:
Step Count: 11,482
Training: 4 miles on the treadmill planned but I punked out after 3 miles. My body is crabby.
Something Interesting I Learned Today: I really, really like Fridays. Not that I don’t enjoy my job, but I really need a break, kids.
Other News: I am bringing back the adjective, “Bully!” (ala: Teddy Roosevelt… an exclamation of commendation). Anyone who would like to join me is more than welcome to. (Wink)
Saturday 2/8:
Step Count/Training: I had a very, very bad lupus day. Let’s just leave it at that…
Something Interesting I Learned Today: Women aren’t allowed to compete in Nordic Combined in the Olympics. What????? We’re “allowed” to ski jump and to cross country ski but we aren’t permitted to do both. In the words of several female “How I Met Your Mother” characters this season, “What the damn hell?!?”
Other News: Best exchange of the day…
Mark: What is “smack” anyway?
Me: Heroin.
Mark: Are you sure?
Me: Yep. I looked it up when I was memorizing the soundtrack to “Rent.”
Mark: Of course you did.
Sunday 2/9:
Step Count: 8,721 (plus pool run)
Training: 50 minute pool run and 1 hour of low-intensity yoga. I feel like I’m starting to bounce back from bad lupus days a little better each time my body bottoms out. So, that is good!
Something Interesting I Learned Today: The show “Call the Midwife” is even better than I originally thought it was.
Other News: Samantha’s St. Patrick’s Day/Kelly Green scarf I knit her is finished in just enough time to put it in her Valentine’s Day care package. This is the kind of wonderful thing that can happen when I don’t put things off…
- “Tales From the Crib” – by Risa Green – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… I am a sucker for decent chick lit. (This is the sequel to the book I finished last week, “Notes from the Underbelly.” The first one was much better, but it doesn’t take much to make me happy when it comes to decent chick lit)
- “The Untethered Soul” – by Michael A. Singer – As an individual with a degree in comparative religious studies (almost exclusively focused on near, middle and far eastern religions) I have a high tolerance and appreciation for eastern religious viewpoints and influences. However, themes of disconnection really rankle me for a myriad of reasons. As a result, I almost put this book down before I had really dug into it. But after pushing past the first few chapters and filtering through some of the questionably articulated westernized approaches to eastern ideas, I truly enjoyed the piece. I believe it has affected me enough that I will revisit sections of it regularly.
A Sample of What I Am Watching This Week:
- “Treehouse Masters” – A master treehouse builder and his motley crew travel around the U.S. constructing fabulous (and mega expensive) treehouses. Some of his projects include a treehouse spa, a treehouse brewery, a butterfly-themed structure to be used by grieving families and a Santa’s workshop. Good, family-friendly fun!
- “Meet the Press” – Once one of my top five favorite shows on television, I feel that this program has regressed into little more than a political gossip show. BUT, because I have faith that it will eventually turn around, I continue to DVR it and at least check if any legitimate discussions are occurring before I dismiss it during any given week.
Monday 2/3 – Rest day Monday… oh, I like you so much…
Tuesday 2/4
Step Count: 2,452 (aka: couch potato)
Training: I had to take a sick day today because of debilitating pain and some temporary paralysis in my legs. Ummm… no, thank you. I’d rather not do this anymore, lupus. I am learning to honor and accept you, but this is a bit much. (No training today. Will hopefully be able to make it up later in the week)
Something Interesting I Learned Today: I am truly grateful for the fact that I can take sick days from work when I need to (like today). Although I have to say… vacation days are way more fun.
Other News: Reason 4,523,961 why I love my daughter… She is an intelligent and thoughtful writer, but in her personal emails to me, she uses roughly uses one exclamation point for every 20 other characters typed.
Wednesday 2/5:
Step Count: Funny story… my FitBit had to be reset today by their tech people because about 1,500 steps into my day, my FitBit account went bananas and congratulated me on having climbed 10,000 flights of stairs in one day. 1,500 steps… 10,000 flights of stairs… it is really all the same, you know.
Training: “Only” one hour yin yoga… still having a rough time from yesterday and Monday… ahhhhhh, Lupus.
Something Interesting I Learned Today: I bought 10 yellow roses for myself for $6.99 today at Byerlys. It turns out that buying myself yellow flowers and making it a point to smell them every time I pass either vase they are in is a surefire cure for the blues. Try it!
Other News: Today I registered for the October Medtronic Twin Cities Marathon. Third time signing up is a charm!
Thursday 2/6:
Step Count: 8,723 plus pool work (getting back in the swing of things!)
Training: 30 minute pool run, 30 minutes of low-intensity yoga and 20 minute treadmill hill walking… Not what my training plan says I need to do today, but is a major improvement over the past few days. Excited to hopefully be feeling good enough to really dig in this weekend!
Something Interesting I Learned Today: My daughter created a website about child soldiers as a project on human rights for school. I am incredibly proud of what she has done. If you have any interest in checking it out, you can view it here: Http://samanthabevers.wix.com/childsoldiers
Other News: Despite the controversy surrounding the Olympics (And as an active human rights advocate I absolutely care about the controversy), I have Olympic fever. I have been an Olympics nut since I was a small child. I love when the world comes together to do anything peaceful and triumphant… and in my mind, the Olympics is one of the greatest demonstrations of such intention. Plus, because I speak/read/write basic Russian, love Russian literature, appreciate Russian culture (and went through a phase in my teens during which I was convinced I was a Romanov princess in another life) I am absolutely pumped to see the coverage of Sochi.
Friday 2/7:
Step Count: 11,482
Training: 4 miles on the treadmill planned but I punked out after 3 miles. My body is crabby.
Something Interesting I Learned Today: I really, really like Fridays. Not that I don’t enjoy my job, but I really need a break, kids.
Other News: I am bringing back the adjective, “Bully!” (ala: Teddy Roosevelt… an exclamation of commendation). Anyone who would like to join me is more than welcome to. (Wink)
Saturday 2/8:
Step Count/Training: I had a very, very bad lupus day. Let’s just leave it at that…
Something Interesting I Learned Today: Women aren’t allowed to compete in Nordic Combined in the Olympics. What????? We’re “allowed” to ski jump and to cross country ski but we aren’t permitted to do both. In the words of several female “How I Met Your Mother” characters this season, “What the damn hell?!?”
Other News: Best exchange of the day…
Mark: What is “smack” anyway?
Me: Heroin.
Mark: Are you sure?
Me: Yep. I looked it up when I was memorizing the soundtrack to “Rent.”
Mark: Of course you did.
Sunday 2/9:
Step Count: 8,721 (plus pool run)
Training: 50 minute pool run and 1 hour of low-intensity yoga. I feel like I’m starting to bounce back from bad lupus days a little better each time my body bottoms out. So, that is good!
Something Interesting I Learned Today: The show “Call the Midwife” is even better than I originally thought it was.
Other News: Samantha’s St. Patrick’s Day/Kelly Green scarf I knit her is finished in just enough time to put it in her Valentine’s Day care package. This is the kind of wonderful thing that can happen when I don’t put things off…
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Guidepost #5 – Cultivating Intuition
Brene Brown subtitles this Guidepost “Letting Go of the Need for Certainty.” If you are anything like me, you probably made an “MmmmHmmm” sound when reading that subtitle.
Intellectually, I understand that nothing about the future is certain and most of the realities of the present that can be considered certain have to do with physics. And I am not going to lie to you, I never took physics. I struggled with math in high school and taking physics seemed like self-inflicted torture. Intellectually, I understand the boundaries of certainty. Emotionally, I weave in and out of healthy boundaries regarding certainty like a terrier navigating an agility course.
In fact, the nexus between my intellectual and emotional responses to the concept of certainty is so complex that I am hesitant to write about it at all. I am tempted to cut and paste some song lyrics in the body of this post and call it a day. Because deep down, I love that life is unpredictable in so many ways. But I also truly wish that some of my life was much more certain.
I want to know that if I take care of my body that I will get well to the point of being virtually asymptomatic.
I want to know that if I do my absolute best by my daughter that she will grow into a healthy, vibrantly happy, well-rounded and hopeful woman.
I want… I want… I want.
And yet, all we can do is trust in that if we do our best today with focused, purposeful, and value-based intentions we will live lives free of self-imposed regret. Because doing my best is the only thing that has ever produced that kind of result. Nothing else in the realm of intention-meets-action-meets-uncertainty is really certain.
The control freak in me hates that. But the dreamer in me is hopeful nonetheless.
Intellectually, I understand that nothing about the future is certain and most of the realities of the present that can be considered certain have to do with physics. And I am not going to lie to you, I never took physics. I struggled with math in high school and taking physics seemed like self-inflicted torture. Intellectually, I understand the boundaries of certainty. Emotionally, I weave in and out of healthy boundaries regarding certainty like a terrier navigating an agility course.
In fact, the nexus between my intellectual and emotional responses to the concept of certainty is so complex that I am hesitant to write about it at all. I am tempted to cut and paste some song lyrics in the body of this post and call it a day. Because deep down, I love that life is unpredictable in so many ways. But I also truly wish that some of my life was much more certain.
I want to know that if I take care of my body that I will get well to the point of being virtually asymptomatic.
I want to know that if I do my absolute best by my daughter that she will grow into a healthy, vibrantly happy, well-rounded and hopeful woman.
I want… I want… I want.
And yet, all we can do is trust in that if we do our best today with focused, purposeful, and value-based intentions we will live lives free of self-imposed regret. Because doing my best is the only thing that has ever produced that kind of result. Nothing else in the realm of intention-meets-action-meets-uncertainty is really certain.
The control freak in me hates that. But the dreamer in me is hopeful nonetheless.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Thinking about addictions and Philip Seymour Hoffman
The hardest day of my life was January 22, 2008. This was the day that it became unquestionably apparent that my daughter and I would end up spending a great deal of time apart so that she could spend time with her dad and his family. Have you ever read “The Golden Compass?” Well, that day makes me understand what it must be like to have the ties cut between yourself and your daemon. We have made the absolute best out of our situation and I am happy to say that we remain as tight as mothers and daughters can be. But on the day that it was decided that I would spend the majority of my time without her for at least a few years, everything just seemed to fade to black.
When that awful day was nearing its end, I learned that Health Ledger had died of an overdose. At the time, many people speculated that his acting journey for “The Dark Knight” had taken him to deeply dark places from which he could not emerge. It was later understood that it was more so his frequent separation from his own daughter Matilda that sped his decline. Because I had learned about his split from Michelle Williams and Matilda (from my family law class, of all places) I had a sense that he had been trying to nurse or dull a broken heart with those drugs.
I knew instinctively on that night that I could remain open, vulnerable, optimistic and I could face the pain of being without my daughter for too long head-on, or I could easily end up like Health Ledger and die essentially from a broken heart and an addiction to whatever would make the pain stop for a little while.
I am incredibly, incredibly fortunate to have never developed addictions to any destructive substances. Addictions tend to run in families and it certainly does in branches of mine. Because I understood from an early age what substances could do to a person, I have never even smoked a cigarette, let alone anything else and I can count on both hands the number of times I have ever been intoxicated by alcohol.
And yet, because I battled eating disorders as a teen and have witnessed addiction firsthand, I do comprehend how easy it is to become addicted. I understand that addiction is a terrible disease… one that the public needs far more education about. We learn at a young age to say no to drugs, but it seems that only after tragedy has struck do we begin to question why this is an imperative choice and what kinds of demons haunt the brains of addicts and alcoholics whose very biochemistry has changed as a result of their drugs of choice.
As I hope you already understand in your very core, addicts and alcoholics are not immoral, weak or stupid. On the contrary, some addicts and alcoholics are absolutely brilliant, loving, strong people whose brains have been changed as a result of substances. With help, they may enter recovery and continue a journey of recovery for a lifetime. But tragically, not all do.
Robin Williams, Matthew Perry, Aaron Sorkin and Philip Seymour Hoffman are excellent examples of brilliant creative professionals whose addictions deeply impacted their personal lives and careers. Robin Williams recently made a triumphant return to acting after falling off the wagon after 20 years of sobriety. His interview on “The Daily Show” underscores just how critical it is to remain in active recovery after succumbing to addiction. One slip can change a lifetime of effort. The interview can be viewed here: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-september-26-2013/robin-williams
Matthew Perry and Aaron Sorkin struggled profoundly with their addictions but are now in active recovery and doing important work. For example, Perry has donated his own beautiful house to serve as a sober living facility for men in early recovery. Sorkin is creating groundbreaking television on “The Newsroom” and is working on a biographical film about Steve Jobs. Most recently, Sorkin took time to write a short, yet profound piece about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s untimely passing. It explores the bond that addicts share and their mutual awareness that even after entering active recovery (Hoffman was sober for more than 20 years before spiraling downward over the past few) that destruction is only a choice or two away. The Sorkin piece can be viewed here: http://entertainment.time.com/2014/02/05/aaron-sorkin-philip-seymour-hoffmans-death-saved-10-lives/
My generation loves the idea of celebrity doppelgangers. Mine (when I’m healthy) is a funky hybrid of Ellen Page, young Jennifer Garner and Emily Browning. Though most doppelgangers are chosen based on looks alone, many also mirror personality traits (mine certainly does...). Long before I met him, the man I love was branded by his friends with the celebrity doppelganger of Philip Seymour Hoffman. And every time I’ve seen Hoffman act or appear since learning of that tie, I see my boy in Hoffman’s appearance, thought-provoking approach and deeply admirable personality. Which is perhaps why Hoffman’s death is hitting me in the same ways that Ledger’s did. It is serving as a reminder that none of us, absolutely none of us, is that far from spiraling downward. We can only hope that in making healthy choices and seeking help when we need it that we can remain in the light and can do our best to face down the darkness when it creeps up upon us all.
When that awful day was nearing its end, I learned that Health Ledger had died of an overdose. At the time, many people speculated that his acting journey for “The Dark Knight” had taken him to deeply dark places from which he could not emerge. It was later understood that it was more so his frequent separation from his own daughter Matilda that sped his decline. Because I had learned about his split from Michelle Williams and Matilda (from my family law class, of all places) I had a sense that he had been trying to nurse or dull a broken heart with those drugs.
I knew instinctively on that night that I could remain open, vulnerable, optimistic and I could face the pain of being without my daughter for too long head-on, or I could easily end up like Health Ledger and die essentially from a broken heart and an addiction to whatever would make the pain stop for a little while.
I am incredibly, incredibly fortunate to have never developed addictions to any destructive substances. Addictions tend to run in families and it certainly does in branches of mine. Because I understood from an early age what substances could do to a person, I have never even smoked a cigarette, let alone anything else and I can count on both hands the number of times I have ever been intoxicated by alcohol.
And yet, because I battled eating disorders as a teen and have witnessed addiction firsthand, I do comprehend how easy it is to become addicted. I understand that addiction is a terrible disease… one that the public needs far more education about. We learn at a young age to say no to drugs, but it seems that only after tragedy has struck do we begin to question why this is an imperative choice and what kinds of demons haunt the brains of addicts and alcoholics whose very biochemistry has changed as a result of their drugs of choice.
As I hope you already understand in your very core, addicts and alcoholics are not immoral, weak or stupid. On the contrary, some addicts and alcoholics are absolutely brilliant, loving, strong people whose brains have been changed as a result of substances. With help, they may enter recovery and continue a journey of recovery for a lifetime. But tragically, not all do.
Robin Williams, Matthew Perry, Aaron Sorkin and Philip Seymour Hoffman are excellent examples of brilliant creative professionals whose addictions deeply impacted their personal lives and careers. Robin Williams recently made a triumphant return to acting after falling off the wagon after 20 years of sobriety. His interview on “The Daily Show” underscores just how critical it is to remain in active recovery after succumbing to addiction. One slip can change a lifetime of effort. The interview can be viewed here: http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-september-26-2013/robin-williams
Matthew Perry and Aaron Sorkin struggled profoundly with their addictions but are now in active recovery and doing important work. For example, Perry has donated his own beautiful house to serve as a sober living facility for men in early recovery. Sorkin is creating groundbreaking television on “The Newsroom” and is working on a biographical film about Steve Jobs. Most recently, Sorkin took time to write a short, yet profound piece about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s untimely passing. It explores the bond that addicts share and their mutual awareness that even after entering active recovery (Hoffman was sober for more than 20 years before spiraling downward over the past few) that destruction is only a choice or two away. The Sorkin piece can be viewed here: http://entertainment.time.com/2014/02/05/aaron-sorkin-philip-seymour-hoffmans-death-saved-10-lives/
My generation loves the idea of celebrity doppelgangers. Mine (when I’m healthy) is a funky hybrid of Ellen Page, young Jennifer Garner and Emily Browning. Though most doppelgangers are chosen based on looks alone, many also mirror personality traits (mine certainly does...). Long before I met him, the man I love was branded by his friends with the celebrity doppelganger of Philip Seymour Hoffman. And every time I’ve seen Hoffman act or appear since learning of that tie, I see my boy in Hoffman’s appearance, thought-provoking approach and deeply admirable personality. Which is perhaps why Hoffman’s death is hitting me in the same ways that Ledger’s did. It is serving as a reminder that none of us, absolutely none of us, is that far from spiraling downward. We can only hope that in making healthy choices and seeking help when we need it that we can remain in the light and can do our best to face down the darkness when it creeps up upon us all.
Monday, February 3, 2014
By the Numbers – January 27 – February 2
Books Finished This Week:
- “Notes from the Underbelly” by Risa Green – I am a sucker for decent chick lit. I don’t care for books that are all about shoes, cat fights and getting the guy. However, I do really enjoy books that involve strong, funny female leads… weddings, pregnancies and really loving families are a plus. I think it is partially because I did things “backwards” (pregnant at age 17, when the majority of my friends did college, marriage and babies in that order) that these books strike me as entertaining. For example, wedding planning might really stress some people out, but reading stories about it seems totally fun and frivolous to me. Fun and decent chick lit is like watching guilty pleasure television programming. And this book totally fits that bill. You will likely find me finishing the sequel over the next week or two…
- “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz – This was the only companion book to “The Four Agreements” that intrigued me enough to purchase. I ended up being really put off by the first few chapters, partially due to the fact that the author rehashes a great deal of the original book and seems utterly disconnected from reality at points (in a bad way). However, as I dug into it more deeply, I found several gems that made the overall reading experience worth it.
A Sample of What I Am Watching This Week:
- “Mom” – Anna Faris and Allison Janney are wonderful as a daughter-mother duo, both of whom are in active recovery for various addictions. This show approaches both the challenges of being a loving family and the challenges of navigating recovery with wit, whimsy and a little more heart than one would expect from a CBS comedy. I am quite smitten with this show, and not just because I want to be Allison Janney when I grow up.
- “How I Met Your Mother” – The past few seasons of this beloved show have been very hit and miss. I sincerely believe that the decision to make this season the show’s last is well-founded. However, episodes like this week’s “How Your Mother Met Me” remind me of how much I look forward to new episodes, even if they end up landing in the “miss” category. I really love the mother. Maybe I want to be both Allison Janney and the mother when I grow up…
Monday 1/27 – Gotta love Rest Day Mondays! (Though I may have been so jazzed about getting published and also frustrated about not sleeping lately that I got in a half hour strength training workout anyway…)
Tuesday 1/28
Step Count: 13,500 (a personal best as of late…)
Training: 2.5 miles on the treadmill… check!
Something Interesting I Learned Today: I get more excited about watching The State of the Union address than anyone else I know. And my excitement leads to a lot of good natured teasing by loved ones…
Other News: This morning, as I was driving Lauren and myself to work, my car hit a patch of black ice as we entered the onramp from 36th Street to Highway 100. We spun 180 degrees, at which point the car shut off in protest. Thank heavens, no one was behind us. But I am now convinced that driving with Lauren is always an adventure. Two weeks ago when I drove her to work, I had a reaction to my pain medication and vomited into a plastic Target bag the entire time I was driving across the Minnesota River bridge…
Wednesday 1/29
Step Count: 3,245 (plus water work)
Training: 40 minute run in the pool. I seem to be getting in to a bit of a “one day on land, one day in the water” routine in order to save my joints a bit. Joints all along my left side were mega crabby today, so the water workout makes sense.
Something Interesting I Learned Today: The trailer for “The Fault in Our Stars” is out. Woo hoo! I sincerely enjoyed the book once I pushed through the first few chapters. Check out the trailer here: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-fault-in-our-stars-watch-the-first-trailer/
Other News: Counting down the days until I can get into the pain clinic. Woo!
Thursday 1/30
Step Count: 4,586 (plus water work and yoga)
Training: 40 minute pool run (I feel yucky) and an hour of yin yoga to combat the fact that I feel yucky
Something Interesting I Learned Today: Ummm… nothing I can think of. Perhaps I need to pay better attention…
Other News: Today my physical therapist Brian sent me a picture of Wonder Woman for inspiration. It is really the little things that make life great!
The Weekend: Friday 1/31 – Sunday 2/2:
I took my bi-or-tri annual trek to see two of my best friends this weekend. With the hours of driving (and it turns out that lupus does NOT like long drives) and limited time to see them, I took the weekend off. I even ate a beef taco when we went out for Mexican food (!). Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Lady, are you crazy? You can’t start an 18-week marathon training plan and take the very first weekend off!” But I assure you, their company is well worth the makeup workouts I’m going to need to fit in and the fact that (it is really worth repeating) the lupus does NOT like long drives, as I learned Sunday evening…
- “Notes from the Underbelly” by Risa Green – I am a sucker for decent chick lit. I don’t care for books that are all about shoes, cat fights and getting the guy. However, I do really enjoy books that involve strong, funny female leads… weddings, pregnancies and really loving families are a plus. I think it is partially because I did things “backwards” (pregnant at age 17, when the majority of my friends did college, marriage and babies in that order) that these books strike me as entertaining. For example, wedding planning might really stress some people out, but reading stories about it seems totally fun and frivolous to me. Fun and decent chick lit is like watching guilty pleasure television programming. And this book totally fits that bill. You will likely find me finishing the sequel over the next week or two…
- “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz – This was the only companion book to “The Four Agreements” that intrigued me enough to purchase. I ended up being really put off by the first few chapters, partially due to the fact that the author rehashes a great deal of the original book and seems utterly disconnected from reality at points (in a bad way). However, as I dug into it more deeply, I found several gems that made the overall reading experience worth it.
A Sample of What I Am Watching This Week:
- “Mom” – Anna Faris and Allison Janney are wonderful as a daughter-mother duo, both of whom are in active recovery for various addictions. This show approaches both the challenges of being a loving family and the challenges of navigating recovery with wit, whimsy and a little more heart than one would expect from a CBS comedy. I am quite smitten with this show, and not just because I want to be Allison Janney when I grow up.
- “How I Met Your Mother” – The past few seasons of this beloved show have been very hit and miss. I sincerely believe that the decision to make this season the show’s last is well-founded. However, episodes like this week’s “How Your Mother Met Me” remind me of how much I look forward to new episodes, even if they end up landing in the “miss” category. I really love the mother. Maybe I want to be both Allison Janney and the mother when I grow up…
Monday 1/27 – Gotta love Rest Day Mondays! (Though I may have been so jazzed about getting published and also frustrated about not sleeping lately that I got in a half hour strength training workout anyway…)
Tuesday 1/28
Step Count: 13,500 (a personal best as of late…)
Training: 2.5 miles on the treadmill… check!
Something Interesting I Learned Today: I get more excited about watching The State of the Union address than anyone else I know. And my excitement leads to a lot of good natured teasing by loved ones…
Other News: This morning, as I was driving Lauren and myself to work, my car hit a patch of black ice as we entered the onramp from 36th Street to Highway 100. We spun 180 degrees, at which point the car shut off in protest. Thank heavens, no one was behind us. But I am now convinced that driving with Lauren is always an adventure. Two weeks ago when I drove her to work, I had a reaction to my pain medication and vomited into a plastic Target bag the entire time I was driving across the Minnesota River bridge…
Wednesday 1/29
Step Count: 3,245 (plus water work)
Training: 40 minute run in the pool. I seem to be getting in to a bit of a “one day on land, one day in the water” routine in order to save my joints a bit. Joints all along my left side were mega crabby today, so the water workout makes sense.
Something Interesting I Learned Today: The trailer for “The Fault in Our Stars” is out. Woo hoo! I sincerely enjoyed the book once I pushed through the first few chapters. Check out the trailer here: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-fault-in-our-stars-watch-the-first-trailer/
Other News: Counting down the days until I can get into the pain clinic. Woo!
Thursday 1/30
Step Count: 4,586 (plus water work and yoga)
Training: 40 minute pool run (I feel yucky) and an hour of yin yoga to combat the fact that I feel yucky
Something Interesting I Learned Today: Ummm… nothing I can think of. Perhaps I need to pay better attention…
Other News: Today my physical therapist Brian sent me a picture of Wonder Woman for inspiration. It is really the little things that make life great!
The Weekend: Friday 1/31 – Sunday 2/2:
I took my bi-or-tri annual trek to see two of my best friends this weekend. With the hours of driving (and it turns out that lupus does NOT like long drives) and limited time to see them, I took the weekend off. I even ate a beef taco when we went out for Mexican food (!). Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Lady, are you crazy? You can’t start an 18-week marathon training plan and take the very first weekend off!” But I assure you, their company is well worth the makeup workouts I’m going to need to fit in and the fact that (it is really worth repeating) the lupus does NOT like long drives, as I learned Sunday evening…
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Guidepost #4 – Cultivating Gratitude and Joy
“This is a song about a whale… NO! This is a song about being happy.” I never watched “Ren and Stimpy” but as a kid I heard this opening line and it struck me as the funniest thing that anyone has ever said. I didn’t know whether the performer was confused or wanted attention by yelling, “No!” in the middle of the song’s introduction. But either way, the very introduction of the “Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy” song was endlessly amusing to me.
When I was little, I thought being “Happy, Happy” and having “Joy, Joy” were one and the same. I honestly think my childhood perception that “happy” and “joy are mere synonyms came from the fact that the word “joy” is used in so many Christmas carols and Christmas is the happiest time of year, in my mind.
In truth, I have learned as an adult that, “Happiness is tied to circumstance and joyfulness is tied to spirit,” as Brene Brown explains. In this case, spirit is used to mean a deeply personal origin in which the personal is connected to the good and light found in the rest of existence. Events, objects, other people and a myriad of external factors can inspire happiness. Ultimately, true joy comes from within and is not necessarily tied to happiness.
To explain the nature of joy another way, Brown notes that the Greek word for joy is “chairo,” which is described as a “culmination of being.” Brown writes, “Chairo is something, the ancient Greeks tell us, that is found only in God and comes with virtue and wisdom. It isn’t a beginner’s virtue; it comes with culmination. They say its opposite is not sadness, but fear.” Regardless of how you define God, Higher Power or Greater Good, I hope you can appreciate the profound and inspiring distinction between happiness and joy as explained in this definition.
Several years ago, I would have been quite indignant studying this particular guidepost. At that point, I was chasing happiness fiercely. I hadn’t had enough of it earlier in life and dammit, happiness was what I was going to achieve. However at this point, I don’t know that I ever experience happiness if I am feeling disconnected from the broader, deeper and more foundational cultivation of joy. And as a result, when I am happy, it is a fuller, brighter and more meaningful happiness than I have experienced in years.
I think that children understand joy without labeling it as such. Some people never lose joy. I think I misplaced an understanding of joy when I was 15-years-old and it took some time for joy and I to get reacquainted. To anyone else out there who has found happiness but has had to work to become joyful again, I assure you that it is possible to make such a transformation. And while joy remains a daily practice for me, it no longer takes so much work to recognize, cultivate, appreciate and reflect now that it is within me for the taking.
When I was little, I thought being “Happy, Happy” and having “Joy, Joy” were one and the same. I honestly think my childhood perception that “happy” and “joy are mere synonyms came from the fact that the word “joy” is used in so many Christmas carols and Christmas is the happiest time of year, in my mind.
In truth, I have learned as an adult that, “Happiness is tied to circumstance and joyfulness is tied to spirit,” as Brene Brown explains. In this case, spirit is used to mean a deeply personal origin in which the personal is connected to the good and light found in the rest of existence. Events, objects, other people and a myriad of external factors can inspire happiness. Ultimately, true joy comes from within and is not necessarily tied to happiness.
To explain the nature of joy another way, Brown notes that the Greek word for joy is “chairo,” which is described as a “culmination of being.” Brown writes, “Chairo is something, the ancient Greeks tell us, that is found only in God and comes with virtue and wisdom. It isn’t a beginner’s virtue; it comes with culmination. They say its opposite is not sadness, but fear.” Regardless of how you define God, Higher Power or Greater Good, I hope you can appreciate the profound and inspiring distinction between happiness and joy as explained in this definition.
Several years ago, I would have been quite indignant studying this particular guidepost. At that point, I was chasing happiness fiercely. I hadn’t had enough of it earlier in life and dammit, happiness was what I was going to achieve. However at this point, I don’t know that I ever experience happiness if I am feeling disconnected from the broader, deeper and more foundational cultivation of joy. And as a result, when I am happy, it is a fuller, brighter and more meaningful happiness than I have experienced in years.
I think that children understand joy without labeling it as such. Some people never lose joy. I think I misplaced an understanding of joy when I was 15-years-old and it took some time for joy and I to get reacquainted. To anyone else out there who has found happiness but has had to work to become joyful again, I assure you that it is possible to make such a transformation. And while joy remains a daily practice for me, it no longer takes so much work to recognize, cultivate, appreciate and reflect now that it is within me for the taking.
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