I am going a little bit bonkers. I am "down" to sleeping between 14-15 hours per day (woo hoo! Down from 18 a few weeks ago!!!) and while I am super grateful that I am becoming increasingly able to remain awake for several hour stretches, I am still not terribly mobile yet. I have some physical therapy goals I am working on that are (knock on wood) going to help me regain some physical normalcy, but I know that this kind of effort takes time to produce results. And in the meantime, I am in bed A LOT, even when I am awake.
Although I have access to a TON of incredible books and television shows/films, I find myself going stir crazy for something to do with my hands. My entire body may not be able to move much, so my hands are itching for something to occupy them. I think it is a natural instinct to remain in motion while awake and because my motion is limited, my hands are itching for interesting work. Sometimes I play on my iPad (God bless iPads... seriously) while I am watching television and other times I zentangle/doodle/color. But my main "handy work" of choice is knitting. I LOVE to knit. I have an absurd amount of unused yarn in my "stash" because I just cannot resist gorgeous yarn that is on sale. I have so many projects in my head that it is difficult to remain focused on one at a time. BUT, I have become quite preoccupied with one idea lately that I am resisting for obvious reasons.
I am completely overwhelmed with what truly feels like NEED to make a baby blanket for the jelly bean.
This is dangerous, dangerous territory. Making an intricate baby blanket takes concentration, patience and a great deal of love. Each knitting project I have ever made is marked by whatever emotions have been influencing me at the time of its creation. Making a baby blanket for the jelly bean would be a terribly hopeful endeavor. But a vulnerable one too. On the one hand, knitting a lovely baby blanket takes so much time that it would be "smart" to start it before becoming pregnant. On the other hand, a danger exists that I will start a blanket and pour love into an object for a jelly bean that may never appear. Fertility matters are never certain and my potential pregnancy would be classified as high-risk. I cannot help but think that such a project may be as foolish as it would be hopeful.
Certainly, I could give the blanket full of love to a future niece, nephew or even a stranger's little one if Project Jelly Bean does not end up working out. (Wow. Writing that sentence was really hard.) But that may also be heartbreaking. I really don't know if it makes sense to try. I don't know if producing it would bring me enough joy to counteract how difficult it would be if a jelly bean does not arrive to use it. However, the fact that I have been creating granny square patterns IN MY SLEEP as well as envisioning patterns upon patterns, colors upon colors, yarn upon yarn while I am awake.... and have been doing so for WEEKS... indicates to me that my body (with its impatient fingers), mind and spirit are willing to take the risk.
I shall keep you all posted on what I decide to do. And in the meantime, if you are undertaking any kind of vulnerable, creative work... know that you are brave and that you are not alone. Should you ever need to vent about your endeavor, I am right here and happy to listen.
What a very sweet post. I can see why this is a difficult decision, but I hope you will go ahead and start working on what you so desperately want to start working on! Your hopes are already up, so it's not like you are going to get through this journey without getting your hopes up, no matter how hard you may try. Knitting is something you can control, it's something you will enjoy, and as you say, it's a deeply hopeful act. My thoughts keep going to your daughter and how nice it might be to give the blanket to her someday should she ever have a baby (whether or not it's used by her little sister or brother), or you could leave it sort of unfinished until the outcome is clearer and then even expand it out so it can cover her bed as a teenager blanket. In any case, why frustrate yourself by holding back from something you want to do? I hope you are enjoying some other knitting projects in the mean time! It's such a lovely hobby, my sister is an avid crocheter and knitter and I love all of her creations.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a kind, thoughtful and courageous comment. I have carried it with me and processed it for several days... you will be happy to know that in large, LARGE part to your response, I bought yarn today for my blanket. :) Sometimes it takes another's bold kindness to kick me into gear. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart (really and truly) for providing me with just that.
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