High Risk - High Reward

Hello again. I haven't been writing lately because I have been waiting for the explicitly green light from my rheumatologist that Project Jellybean is a go. And it is now indeed a go, in the sense that I have clearance to try beginning in the fall, pending the approval of a high-risk OB.

I know that it is tempting fate to even write the words "try" and "beginning in the fall." One of the first rules of fertility management is not to ever announce what the hell you are doing and when, (partially because of tempting fate... although no one actually says that out loud for fear of appearing too human) because everyone you tell will nag you and anxiously await updates every five minutes once you start. Fear and pain surrounding fertility matters is "supposed" to be borne alone, or with the aid of quiet Internet communities of women you have never met who are going through the same thing. This is what I have gleaned from books, the Web, friends and experience.

However, I feel like it is important for me specifically (other women may truly benefit from the ways things are usually done and I do not judge that one bit. Truly, truly, truly) to live out loud in regards to this particular process, given that it may facilitate connection, vulnerability and humanity. So, defying convention, I am announcing that I finally have a green light for Project Jellybean.

The plan is to have my first appointment with a high-risk OB in April and to have all the low-dose chemo and other severely toxic drugs cleared out of my system by August 1. I will then need to wean off my pain meds and some other medications before we can try. This, for obvious reasons, scares the living hell out of me. I am already dealing with one of the most severe daily pain loads I have had since diagnosis and have been so sick for the past few months that the very act of accomplishing a shower is a triumph. To wean off nearly all of my pain meds on top of all the toxic things keeping me going is SCARY. But, if we want to have a jellybean in this lifetime (and God knows I only get one lifetime), it must be done.

So, I am back. And that is a blessing. I am currently trying to stem my anxiety at the prospect of this process and to simply be grateful that I have the clearance to undertake it. Binge-watching "Downton Abbey" and reading like crazycakes seems to help me keep my mind as settled as can be. God bless awesome books and television. I honestly don't know who I would be without access to so much creative storytelling!