Rise Up

Earlier today, my friend Chuck posted an article on his Facebook wall originally published by The Mighty. The Mighty is a website devoted to content that educates, inspires and connects readers who struggle with chronic illness or who care about those that do. The article discusses the kind of situation that usually precedes the moment when a person with a chronic illness decides to post about his or her experience (at any given moment) on Facebook. While scanning the piece, I found myself nodding. Then crying. Then clicking out of the article.

A few paragraphs in, the author asks the reader to imagine going about his or her daily life only to stumble upon a point in time when your body begins to betray you. Among the consequences of the betrayal, the piece explores the reality of when "You start sleeping a lot more, so much more that you start to feel guilt over your “laziness.” Even after a full night’s sleep your body starts to shut down in the middle of the day and you need to nap. The thing is all this extra sleep doesn’t help and you are just as tired and fatigued when you wake up in the morning as the night before. Even worse, you feel hungover... Along with all of this (and a myriad of other symptoms I could mention) is the fact that your mind and your thinking are as foggy as your body. You know that feeling when it’s past your bedtime and you feel your brain trying to shut down for the night? How everything becomes difficult if you are fighting sleep? Trying to just finish that chapter, watch the last 10 minutes of that movie as your brain wants to sleep… Now it feels like that all the time, all hours of the day as your brain is constantly trying to go down as you are trying to get it to go up. Every waking moment is a battle."

I couldn't read any more beyond this. I have been back at work for six months now... and I can't stress enough just how hard it is proving to be. My brain and body can't handle it. And because having debilitating fatigue and "Lupus brain" is keeping me from being able to execute the "essential functions of the job" I am being increasingly told that accommodations for it are not "reasonable" and are therefore not legally guaranteed. But I can't quit my job or risk being fired because I need my health insurance. So, I am running my body and mind into the ground. This morning, I got out of bed and found myself praying, on my knees, for some solution. For some salvation.

I began to dig into my day. Wading through mud and wind and hail just to get a few tasks clicked off. After taking a short rest (which did leave me feeling just as tired and even more defeated than when I woke up... did I mention it is only MONDAY?) I opted to give my brain a little break and cracked open one of the books I'm reading. Now that I'm done with the Chernow Hamilton biography, I am finally allowing myself to become consumed by the show. "Hamilton: The Revolution" is a gorgeous book complete with color photos, interviews, a history of the creative process and the complete libretto. I turned to the song I have just begun to dissect ("My Shot") and began to read. When I came upon the lyrics, "When you're living on your knees, you rise up" I stopped cold.

Truth. Truth. Truth.

I have not only met but been profoundly affected by individuals in my life who have opted not to rise up. Who have chosen to live on their knees mentally and emotionally rather than find anything within them that inspires and allows them to move forward with intention, grace, hope and determination. I have always found a way to "Rise Up" because that is what you do if you have sparks of life left within you.

I haven't been living on my knees, but I have been getting very close lately. I don't know exactly how to rise up when my body is crying out to me to remain still and quiet so I can heal. But I do know that I have it within me to try. And that, is a prayer answered.